M – It was a bit cute, but why so disappointing?

I met M through one of my friends in Chinese school Year 10 2011, and we started talking because I “accidentally” messaged the wrong person (was it an accident though? or was I just too awkward to initiate conversation otherwise?), and we started talking from there. Within months, we became incredibly close, and talked almost every day texting and on Facebook. He was cute (in my opinion then), preppy, and an overall clean cut looking guy. He was just such an idiot when he tried hard to impress me, and I have to admit it was pretty cute looking back.

Eventually we started hanging out one on one, and on this particular day we were hanging out in the city when he suddenly asked me to help him take off his hoodie in the middle of a shopping mall. I remember being completely weirded out, and skeptical but helped him anyway. As I was helping him take off his hoodie in the most awkward way possible, the back of his shirt was stuck, and as I helped him pull that down, a message revealed “will you be my girlfriend?” with 2 boxes, one to tick yes, and one to tick no. Obviously, I said yes.

That’s probably the most Kdrama thing to ever happen to me, but that’s also because I don’t try to hide my love for Kpop and Kdrama’s (although I feel completely different about it when it’s happening in real life), and I assume this was his creative spin on it. To be honest it’s extremely cute no matter who I tell this story to, but I’m also cringing so hard at this as well when I look back at it right now. We didn’t spend the summer of 2011/2012 (I’m in Australia) madly in love like they do in the high school romance movies, however I had to admit we did have a fun summer together.

All this makes it more disappointing when I also look back at how things ended between us. I decided to break up with him after 8 months because I was too busy with studying, and I lived over an hour away from him to be able to see him consistently, so it just wasn’t working out. He’s also the very clingy romantic type, and I just didn’t speak that same love language. A week after I broke up with him he wrote me a letter about all our memories together, how he regrets not giving me space and freedom when I needed it, and how (to quote him) he “remembers the way I nipped at his lips when we first kissed” (I was having gag reflexes reading that at the time and still am cringing just as hard as you probably are reading this). We tried to stay friends for a year, and as it reached summer break we started getting close again, however it seems like he took that as a sign that things could potentially start up again and told my friend he wanted to try to get back together with me on the day which would have been our anniversary if we had stayed together.

Fortunately he didn’t go through with that. Unfortunately, he decided to play a prank on me, and make a fake Facebook account using this Korean person’s photo and added me to talk to me as well. He eventually asked to meet up (I have no idea why because that means he’s literally the worst catfish ever), and we made plans to do so. Luckily I brought my friend along with me that day and made it really casual, but he tapped on my shoulder just as I was about to cross the road and said that he had made it all up. The Facebook account, the conversations, everything. Great. In hindsight I had probably overreacted, but I decided to kick him in the stomach a few times and stormed off. He followed behind hopelessly to the restaurant where me and my friend had lunch. He kept apologising and saying how it was just nice to talk to me in that kind of flirty way again, but I wasn’t taking any of it. I was just so disgusted and felt so stupid for falling for a prank like that, but also creeped out that he had let it drag out for over 2 weeks. I made this disgusting concoction of lemonade, pepper, salt, and hot sauce and made him drink it. Surprisingly enough he did, but I told him to stop. 

My friend and I then took a train out to the city, and we decided to spend the day doing other things to try and forget how stupid I was for falling for a prank like that. We went to get froyo, and he saw that we had checked in to this place on Facebook (there’s a reason why people have stopped doing that now) and decided to follow me and find me to apologise to me as well. When he realised that I had already left by the time I got there he called me incessantly to try and apologise to me, but I just wasn’t ready to talk to him yet without feeling like a complete idiot. From that day onwards, we stopped talking for almost 6 months. 

6 months later, and it was May 2013. We were already into our last year of high school and busy preparing for exams, no longer going to Chinese school together. My friend and I were at a careers expo, when we bumped into one of his friends who recognised us. The friend obviously went back to tell him, when he texted me a couple days later apologising again, and asking to put everything behind us and just be friends. In which I decided was the right thing to do as the bigger person. We texted infrequently to check up as friends here and there.

Towards the end of the year after our exams were completely finished, we both graduated high school and it was summer break of 2013/2014 before we started our first year of uni, and had the time to talk a bit more, becoming close as friends again. I was definitely feeling somewhat interested in him again, but didn’t want to make the moves to pursue anything as I was really unsure about how I felt about him, and whether I just enjoyed the flirting, or if i actually liked him. Because our personalities didn’t exactly match. I was the type that had strong opinions, socially awkward, introverted, and didn’t really care about what other people think of me (probably explains why I was never the popular type), and I just felt like he was still quite lost with who he is, and would always try too hard to impress the people around him, join and do things he didn’t like just to fit in, and hang around people he didn’t like just to fit in as well. But I guess I can’t really blame him as that’s what puberty does to you, and that is the definition of “coming of age”.

He was also contemplating moving to another state to study, and I didn’t really want him to go, both for his interests in his studies, and because I felt like I would miss him as well. Whether I would miss him as a friend, or something more than that, I’m still not sure to this day. But he did try to ask me if I wanted to try again, in which I turned him down because I didn’t want to be the one who hurts him again. To me the way he asked again seemed like a breezy question as it was over text, so we decided to just keep being friends instead. By March 2014 I moved out of the country side and started living in the suburbs closer to the city and closer to uni, which meant we got to see each other more frequently, but by then my intentions seeing him by then was purely just as friends.

In May 2014 I met my ex “R”, while I was still trying to maintain a friendship with M. Looking back I could’ve broken the news with M softly, but instead it hit him like a giant boulder. M was trying to call me one night, and I was with R so I gave M very brief texts joking around that I was too busy having sex (I am the type to enjoy crude dirty jokes, so this is definitely not out of my personality). 

The next day M called again asking if I was drunk because of my texts. I said no. Then he asks if it was actually true. In which I am a terrible liar, so I caved and said it was partly true as it wasn’t happening exactly at the time I was replying his texts. He said he could tell I was dating someone, but was not expecting that I had already had sex with them, and that particular detail of the news hit him really hard. He then went on to whine about how he gave up studying in another state for me, and how we were together for 8 months and practically together again for summer 2013/2014 and nothing ever happened between us. It was really off putting to me, because he didn’t quite seem to understand that the time frame of how long we were together versus how long me and R were together before we slept with each other was not the issue, it was how I felt and what I wanted that mattered more to me when it came to losing my virginity with R. But somehow I still felt sorry and bad for M. I tried to explain to him rather than flipping out at him that the reason why I wanted him to stay was for his best interests for studying objectively, but partly because I’d also miss him as either or friend or whatever we were during that time, and when it came to losing my virginity, I couldn’t help but feel like it was right with R, something I didn’t really feel with M. 

I guess all the news was really hard for him, he tried to find R’s Facebook and compare himself to him, called back more than 5 times throughout the day to ask me why, and even tried calling my best friend to interrogate her about R. He even wanted me to come over and open a bottle of scotch with him, even though I had literally just told him that I am in a new relationship. Eventually he stopped calling and bothering that night and said he’ll come to peace with it eventually, but will just need to take some time which I could respect. But when I woke up the next morning, he had sent me a chain of texts saying how disgusted he was that I had slept with someone I haven’t known for that long, and how much he loved me even though he never told me that up until then. In summary it was quite a long text slut shaming me and telling me how disappointed he was with me and how he felt like I had changed the moment I moved out to the suburbs and away from the countryside. I guess I was hurt he thought of me that way, but was disappointed that he would be the type of person to attack me personally like this. So all I did or could do was explain to him again that to me having sex with someone isn’t determined by how long I knew them for, but rather how I felt towards them, and it just felt right to lose my virginity to R.

We stopped talking from that day onwards, he deleted me off all social media and I’m pretty sure he hates my guts. I found out he eventually moved to another state to continue studying. Black Friday 2015 I saw him again in the Shopping mall I work in, and my dumbass hand was too friendly and decided to wave just because it was a familiar face, completely forgetting that this person absolutely hates me. I could see that he had a look in his eyes where his eyes lit up with that same excitement you do when you recognise someone close you haven’t seen in a long time, but that look got shot down immediately by a look of disgust as he continued to walk by and ignore me.

I don’t know what I was expecting exactly, but it would have been nice if we were able to be friends. I know his heart is good deep down, and I still don’t blame him for everything he’s said or done because I know it was just dumb teen mistakes where we just think with our hormones rather than our brains. I still wonder to this day if things could have ended better if I didn’t break the news to him the way I did that day.

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