Last night was the worst one.  I don’t know why I can’t seem to shake these nightmares.  I wish I would’ve talked more about about being scared.   I really like just talking about random stuff but I really wanted to talk talk.   I wish I was out already.  I just want to breathe and start on my journey already.  Formulate my plans better and focus on them.  Make my own space.  It’s all so hard and seems impossible but I can’t stop trying. Icing forward so I can have that space of my own.   I can’t stop screaming on the inside.   Leave me alone.  I’m sorry.  Let me go.   And then other things.   Let me take care of you.   My heart hurts so bad when I think about that.   I don’t want to be selfish and keep yearning to be the one to do so but I’ve dreamt about that since the beginning. I wish I could help give you what you deserve.  I’m so sorry.  I’m so messed up and surgery is making me even worse.  Am I doing the right thing???? I’m so scared.   

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