A lot has changed within the last few months. The last time I wrote was back in March. I found some old journals, wherein I wrote lists. I don’t remember why I wrote in lists, I think it was just easier to organize my thoughts like that. Sometimes I still write in lists, but not as often as I used to. I just haven’t been writing as much as I used to. I’m not sure why. I think I’ve just been lost in my anxiety and thoughts these last few months.
Mohammad left for the army this month. We had stopped talking for a while, but started again, slowly. We stopped talking after the whole Matsuri fiasco, but being the empath that I am, I continued to be an open door for him because I knew he was struggling. And he did for a while. I’m pretty proud of him for going into the army though, because he’s finally getting his new start that he had been searching for these last few years.
Jehosh has talked to me on and off the last few months, and last time we spoke, he was in my bed trying to get me to sleep with him. I think he took it personal when I said I didn’t want to at that moment because I didn’t think we were at that point anymore.
I haven’t talked to Dino in a while. A friend told me to stop talking to him and I did. I listened. And it’s been hard, because I don’t know how he is or whether he’s happy. I don’t know whether his relationship is flourishing or not. I don’t know if he’s depressed because he knows she’ll cheat on him. I don’t know anything and it’s eating away at me.
I’ve been close with a couple friends lately. Chance, who yells at me to get my life together, but is willing to stay on the phone with me so my anxiety doesn’t eat me alive at night. Edward, who stays home alone on holidays, but is willing to talk to me about anything. Monica, who has been avoiding me, but when we see each other, everything comes out and is laid on the table.
The anxiety has been slowly eating away at me, and I haven’t been properly dealing with it. Every night is a ritual of checking all the windows and doors, making sure that they’re locked. I don’t know what’s going on, whether it’s the time of the year, or because I just feel unsafe in this new environment, this new home. But I’m slowly becoming accustomed to it. The anxiety rituals won’t stop though.
Do I need help?