Tuesday September 4th

Omg, my feet are killing me. Ugh. I wore my new Kate Spade flats today and they have chewed my feel up. I don’t know what I’ll wear tomorrow. I am going to look at an apartment at 7 tonight. It’s only $725 a month, and I don’t pay water or sewer, so that’s another $40 or so. They allow pets- those are all good, the bad is it doesn’t have central air, and it’s on the 2nd floor, which means I’ll have to take John out every time he goes to potty. And, I won’t have a garage to park in, which would be nice once it starts snowing. I had to park outside all last winter, so I’ve done it before, it just sucks. That’s at least $300 less than what I’m paying now, though. 

I was thinking about buying a condo yesterday, but with the monthly condo fees, I could pay someone to do the yard work if I bought a house instead. Ugh. I don’t know what to do. I also think about not buying a house at all and just keep renting until I retire- I don’t know that I want to live in Lexington forever. I would spend a bunch of money on closing costs if I bought, and there’s no way I would be able to make a house payment that would only be $725 a month. If I am going to be single for the rest of my life, which it’s looking like that’s the case, I want to be able to go on some trips- I want to do those volunteer vacations. It’s a fucking shame I’m too poor to volunteer to go work somewhere and help people. 

I have decided today that I am not texting Greg again. Period. If we go the whole weekend without talking , then so be it. I have been so good to him and he gives me nothing back. I spent all that money to go down there and sit at the hospital with him, not to mention the fucking 20 hours of driving. I have sent him those care packages, I made sure he had more gingerale before I left. I have been so loving to him. He can’t fucking text me how was your day. If he wanted to talk to me, he would. For whatever reason, he doesn’t care if he sees me or talks to me anymore. I have ran his legs off all goddam summer. I’m done. Fucking done. Maybe the only way to get a man is to do what I’m doing now- push yourself into their life- if that’s the case, I guess I just won’t get a man. I have to figure out how to be happy by myself. I don’t know that it’s possible, honestly. I haven’t been happy aside from those few weeks when things were going good with Greg, in years. I hate myself. I hate my life. I tried really hard with Greg. I am just not anything anyone wants. 

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