I can retreat from civilization, reconnect with the earth, and find healing, meaning and significance.
Take to woods!!!
Run for the hills.
I bet my answers are out there. I just need to spend more time. I don’t want to feel so helpless getting there. I’ll do what I can. I’m fearing I won’t be able to do much. This road ahead will make or break me. It’s like a river I can’t get off. I know somethings coming and it scares me. There’s a possibility of more light then dark times ahead. But I doubt it. And need to be prepared as much as I could possibly be. I have no gear for this trip and it’s taken off all already. I’m so behind. Seems so difficult. As long as I keep heading the way I want to. It’s interesting who comes along your paths and when. I thought it was right because he looped back around in my life. But then I realized a loop isn’t ever going anywhere. And defiantly not going forward. We’ve literally been circling for 5 years. Just making our loop a little bigger but never changing the direction. And I know where I’m headed now. Maybe I should read and write more sober. I’m not always high though why do I feel that way. As soon as I typed it I knew. Ron and Denise always say I smoke to much. They have no clue. I love my moments of sober clarity. These pills from the doctor are what’ve always messed me up. From the beginning. What have they done to me? I know I believe in a balance of good and bad. Is mine all just messed around. I get stuck with all this heavy darkness all at the beginning of my life so I can develope through it and live the rest in the light. The light I still feel Glimmering deep down inside of me. I’ll never grow up completely my child like spirit is one thing left I remember about myself. Finding joy in little things. Looking at life through eyes filled with wonder and excitement. I know that’s still in there it’s so strong even the darkest of days would be able to be saved by being out in the wilderness and feeling the way I feel when I’m there. Like feelings I have that are so natural I can’t make sense of them or control them. Screaming into the canyons spinning in circles looking up at the stars running through the trees….. And learning to pace myself and be patient the best parts are spent taking a moment sitting in the desert staring up at the countless stars in the sky. Finding a rock and watching the river flow. Breathing the purest air you’ll ever breath from the trees in the forest and the winds sweeping trough bringing you the refreshing scent of the pines. I need to do more than just that to be happy. I want to be carefree for a sec. recharge. Turn everything else off and just live. For a moment. Be mindful. And aware. I need to learn to be ok in Civilization I guess I don’t rwally want to and I’m polite enough that people can’t really tell. It helps that I am unable to shut the fuck up. I wish I wasn’t trapped with that side of myself. Why do I have so much to say why do I feel so much. I annoy myself so much sometimes. I just want to stop it. I’m so misunderstood because I can find joy moments after sorrow my brain never stops going and my emotions along with it. The amount of time I spend on various emotions is not so much under my control because I’m so out of wack I have no time to process anything. I don’t even think I made sense now and I need to stop. Right now.