Saturday September 8th

I’m having a really bad day. Depression and anxiety are overwhelming. I am hurting so badly. I deleted Greg from my phone. I haven’t talked to him since Monday. He really did a number on me. The last think I needed was another broken heart. I will never understand how someone can do that to you. How they can say all those things to you to make you fall in love with them and then just disappear without so much as a reason why. He blew up my phone for weeks. Solid texting from 8am until I went to bed. Every day. He said we would be old and sitting on the front porch in rocking chairs. He said so many things and I believed him. How could he be such a piece of shit? I thought my 11 years of being alone were over. And now I’m more broken than I was before. He messed with my head all summer. Everyone thinks he’s such a great guy. Why, how could he do this to me? I feel like dying. I have promised myself that I will stay alive until both of my animals die. If I am still hurting this bad in 4 or 5 years, I don’t see any reason to keep going. I’ve thought about killing myself since I was a teenager. What did I ever do to deserve such a shitty life??? I have no one. My friends have forgotten me. They all have husbands now so they do couple shit. No room for me in all the couple shit. I have tried to stop hating myself but I can’t. I hate myself so much. I really really hate myself. I have been trying to get better for years now and I’m not better. I still hate myself. I am too broken. Too far off in the ditch to get back on the road. If I had some money, I think I would be better. I would do volunteer vacations and stuff to keep me busy. But when you’re broke, have no one, and no hope, it’s hard to find a reason to keep living. I tried buying some lottery tickets a few times this summer. I don’t even need millions. If I could win a $50k payout, it would change my life. I have nothing to live for except my dog. He needs me to take care of him. When he is gone, I have no more reason to keep going. I hate myself so much. I am so fucked up. I am not afraid of anything because I don’t care if I die. If I get killed, then I’m not in all this pain anymore and no one gets to gossip about me killing myself. I don’t care about my relatives. Fuck them. No one cares about me alive, fuck them if they act like they’re hurt because I’m dead. I’m sick of fighting this every goddam day. So fucking sick of it all. 

One thought on “Saturday September 8th”

  1. MY GOD,,so much pain,reminded me of my life…You’re not alone on this,our cries are so similar.Eventho,iam writing something else now.I have help myself,Iam like you no one to count on..Just wanned to let you know,that I understand exactly how you feeling.Writing helps a lot..Good luck,God bless you.

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