Plain and simple, I am angry. I’ve put on a smile and had some really great moments of joy, but… I keep coming back to it. No matter how much I laugh or try to find peace, I simply can’t. The biggest thing being that my Uncle doesn’t want me to be the one who stays with my grandparents (my grandpa has been in the hospital and grandma has dementia, they need someone there…)…Because my dog is a Pitbull. Perhaps I’ve mentioned this argument before but here I go again.
I understand not all people love or even like Pitbulls. I understand there are people who are afraid of them or dogs in general. But when it comes to people in my immediate circle, I have to ask, do they truly believe I’d put anyone in harms way? I’ve had multiple people weary of me owning a Pitbull at first, until they meet her. She crawls around on the floor with infants and lays next to them while they play. She lets them grab her ears and play the drums on her belly (ha-ha). My 4 year old niece sleeps with her as a pillow and other times as a teddy bear to hold onto. She is quiet and calm, she is not a barker, she’s not obnoxious, she is kind and gentle. And while I know that owning a Pitbull comes with judgements, opinions, rude looks and comments, I HATE feeling as if I have to defend her because of her breed. At the same time, I will do so with every ounce of my being, because she rescued me and because she deserves it. She has changed countless peoples minds in the time that I’ve owned her and together, we will continue doing so, one mind at a time. But for someone in my immediate family to think that I’d put my grandparents in a position to get hurt… It makes me sad and it makes me angry. I feel resentful towards him. And I’m trying to accept that he is entitled to his opinion but if he makes it so that I can’t take care of them… I’m not sure it’s something I’ll be able to get over. Which translated to what happened today, ugh.
I was in a merging lane and the lady next to me wouldn’t let me over. She literally shook her head no at me… Really? It was stupid and it made me angrier. I got behind her and flipped her off. I was fairly sure she was my neighbor (even though we’re a few miles away from my neighborhood at this point) but I didn’t care. She was rude. I felt, in that moment, that she deserved it. I followed her home, turn by turn, and sure enough, she’s my neighbor. At first, I still didn’t care. She got out and was talking to the other people who live in the house and making faces. I didn’t care, I was pissed. I grabbed the dog and we went for a drive. That’s when I realized, what I was feeling, wasn’t about her.
Sure, I still thought she was rude for shaking her head and refusing to let me in. I prefer nice humans who do the polite act of letting you in. I even wave in return and say thank you! None the less, was it really THAT BIG OF A DEAL? No. I slowed down and got behind her. I regretted flipping her off. So… I came home, knocked on their door and apologized. Apparently she was in the shower but the lady who had been outside waiting for her when she got home met me at the door. I told her I had a bad day and regretted my actions and that I wanted to apologize. I told her I’m not a mean person (we say hi to each other all the time) and that I was just very sorry for what I had done. She said she’d let her know. *Sigh*. It didn’t undo what I did and it didn’t make me feel better but I know it was the right thing to do. I LOVE my neighborhood (as you know if you’ve read my previous posts) and me and all my neighbors are cordial, we know each others names and pets and we wave when we pass one another. These particular neighbors keep to themselves for the most part but, like I said, we still wave when we’re outside or whatever… Ugh. It’s just a shitty feeling. I’m not a mean person and I hate being angry. I can blame the two people who’ve hit me and flipped my life upside down or I can blame my uncle or a number of other things. But the bottom line is that it doesn’t justify my actions or make them right. So I have to sit with this ugly feeling and just… Let it be there until it decides to pass. I’m going to do some therapy work and hope it helps. None the less, what’s done is done and that’s that… *Sigh*