i’m turning 21 soon. i just feel a little different this birthday. i feel like i went through a lot of stuff as a 20 year old, a lot of silent and subtle growth and a lot of learning
i confronted a lot of trauma and i think i’m in the process of resolving them. i went through therapy. started my career. i learned about my friendships. i realized my childhood trauma and my hints of ocd/anxiety.
especially my trauma with my parents. i left a four year long relationship. i slept with someone else for the first time. i realized i was abused shortly after i left it. i think i forgave him.
i want to be kind. i want to be secure. i want to be with someone who is good for me and i’m good for them. i want to be okay. i want my family to be safe and happy. i want to be a good person.
i realized something else i went through as a 20year old but i can’t remember. oh i realized i may be bi.
i went back to church regularly, though it is only for volunteering for the kids. and i just realized it’s my birthday. haha. angel just texted me.
i hope i can look back on this and feel like there’s a difference. that there’s a little more growth and maturity. and that i do still have the important things that i have some control over – my love for my family, how i take care of myself, and the people i choose to have around me. even things like good health i cannot control, though i have been exercising and eating well.
i hope i get to meet people who make me learn about myself, meet people who i will care for, and meet people who care about me. i hope i can experience more things and do so with grace and security.
i really feel like i’m starting to feel like that lost 20-something year old that everyone describes. and it’s exciting but also actually kind of scary.
i want stuff like tattoos now and i don’t understand why i should work for the rest of my life from 9-5. i feel pressed for time. i feel like i have no time in my day. i feel like i cant just rest.
i should sleep now. i have to be at work by 7am. i am 21 years old. i just said it out loud to myself. i almost dont want to look in the mirror and say it.
i definitely feel single now. sigh…
Good night. happy birthday to me 🎂 i feel like harry potter LOL on his 11th birthday. wishing for better things and being thoughtful as he turns 11. and then his life gets interrupted by hagrid haha.