20-21

it’s 11:57

i’m turning 21 soon. i just feel a little different this birthday. i feel like i went through a lot of stuff as a 20 year old, a lot of silent and subtle growth and a lot of learning

it’s 11:58

i confronted a lot of trauma and i think i’m in the process of resolving them. i went through therapy. started my career. i learned about my friendships. i realized my childhood trauma and my hints of ocd/anxiety. 

11:59

especially my trauma with my parents. i left a four year long relationship. i slept with someone else for the first time. i realized i was abused shortly after i left it. i think i forgave him. 

it’s 12:00am

i want to be kind. i want to be secure. i want to be with someone who is good for me and i’m good for them. i want to be okay. i want my family to be safe and happy. i want to be a good person. 

it’s 12:01am

12:02am

i realized something else i went through as a 20year old but i can’t remember. oh i realized i may be bi. 

12:03am

i went back to church regularly, though it is only for volunteering for the kids. and i just realized it’s my birthday. haha. angel just texted me.

12:05am

i hope i can look back on this and feel like there’s a difference. that there’s a little more growth and maturity. and that i do still have the important things that i have some control over – my love for my family, how i take care of myself, and the people i choose to have around me. even things like good health i cannot control, though i have been exercising and eating well.

i hope i get to meet people who make me learn about myself, meet people who i will care for, and meet people who care about me. i hope i can experience more things and do so with grace and security. 

12:08

i really feel like i’m starting to feel like that lost 20-something year old that everyone describes. and it’s exciting but also actually kind of scary. 

i want stuff like tattoos now and i don’t understand why i should work for the rest of my life from 9-5. i feel pressed for time. i feel like i have no time in my day. i feel like i cant just rest. 

12:10am

i should sleep now. i have to be at work by 7am. i am 21 years old. i just said it out loud to myself. i almost dont want to look in the mirror and say it. 

12:11am 

i definitely feel single now. sigh…

 

Good night. happy birthday to me 🎂 i feel like harry potter LOL on his 11th birthday. wishing for better things and being thoughtful as he turns 11. and then his life gets interrupted by hagrid haha.

good night!

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