I’ve been the life of the party in every friend group I’ve been in. Even in ones that I didn’t completely fit in, I managed to be their cornerstone. I keep these groups laughing and smiling; I make sure that conversation is fun and lighthearted. I do my best to include everyone and make sure that everyone fits in. I smile, I laugh, and I make jokes, but recently I’ve been struggling. What I thought was just anxiety is slowly becoming depression, and I feel less and less productive. I think about my long time goals and aspirations and then I think of giving up.
The thought of giving up is so appealing to me. I can’t even begin to fathom what “giving up” means, but it seems appealing regardless. I’m scared of getting help because I fear any kind of judgement from my family and friends, but I cannot keep bottling it up. My anxiety attacks – if that’s even what they are – happen more frequently. I catch myself thinking negative thoughts more often. I feel like I’m spiraling. I’m hoping that venting helps, and thank you for reading.