[352] ~*Thu – 09/13/18*~

[10:06 am]

Of course, today is a Thu and where am I? Yep, at the library cause my first client was a no show, once again. 

This said, I haven’t slept at all last night and I feel like shit this morning cause I’m still so very confused on what I’m doing and I’m so very scared on making the wrong decision but I just don’t know what else I can possibly do right now beside where I’m headed. I normally don’t have to deal with mucus in the morning but I sure was this morning. Already had to take my inhaler and I haven’t been up for that long so that’s not a good start to a day. I really don’t know if I have asthma as I need to do some tests but it really feels like it and I’ve read that stress can also cause your asthma to flare up so would make total sense right now. I just don’t want to stress anymore. It’s getting way too much.

I’m not even sure if I’m stressing because I’m back to work or cause I’m scared of making a mistake. I think it’s the mistake thing right now that is stressing me. It’s such a big decision for me as I thought I’d be doing this job till I’d find something I’d want more and not have to settle for anything out there just to leave the job. I’m also stressing cause I need to go talk to someone at the office to let them know what’s going on and I really don’t want to do it but I have too. I’m sure I’ll be crying cause this morning I was crying when talking to hub cause again, scared to be making a huge mistake. Why does my life have to be so complicated right now?!

I was already running late this morning cause I just didn’t wanted to get out of bed and face the day and I had to straighten my hair as I washed it last night. When I was on my way to my first client, I once again, asked my dad to please give me a sign that I was making the right decision. I’ve been asking him to show me the way for the past few nights. I wanted him to show up in my dreams and tell me what I should do. This morning, on my way to work, I asked him to tell me if the choice I was making was right as I was scared to let him down and be a failure. When I got to the over pass, it was blocked so I had to make a huge detour to get to my client that already lives far out. That said, I called the office so they could call her and let her know I was running late. I normally use about 11 km to get to her place but today it took double that cause of the detour. On top of that, I got to her place and she wasn’t even there so I called the office again to see if they had spoken to her but they were only able to leave a voicemail. I asked if I needed to wait my 15 mins as I was late and she said no, just to leave. So I had to make my way back downtown so in general I just used up 30 km that I won’t be paid for as I didn’t pick up anyone. This is just totally proving the point of why this isn’t worth it anymore. So many time I’ve made trips where I’m not paid cause I don’t pick up people. Yes, I am still paid for the hours but I’m not paid for the mileage and wear and tear I keep putting on the car for nothing. I come back from vacation to this, the first thing I need to deal with, and it’s frustrating but I really do believe it was a sign from my dad, telling me I was making the right choice for the moment.

I’m just totally not sure if I do have the job or not. I know I filled in some paperwork for background checks and all but I don’t know if it means they want to hire me or not. I did email the guy last night to see but haven’t gotten a respond yet. I just wouldn’t want to be telling my current job that I am leaving and then be jobless. That would be terrible.

So yea, yes I am once again sitting at the library, writing an entry while I’m being paid cause I had a no show but I don’t think these free hours are being worth it anymore. I really want to be productive and feel like my job lets me actually accomplish something.

That’s where I currently stand with the whole job situation that has been going on. I still haven’t heard about my car and I need to make a decision so I think I finally made it. Only thing, I’m so scared I won’t be able to handle it. I guess the only thing I can do at this point is give it a try and see where it leads me and deal with one day at a time cause looking at the overall picture is getting way too stressful and I need to calm the heck down.


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