at the end of the day

so it is almost the end of the day… 11:37 pm.

i am listening to japanese lofi hiphop, which i love and it makes me feel really calm. 

this morning, i had another unhealthy breakfast. school is about to start and i will probably lose a lot of weight again because i starve myself at school to save money. but it’s alright, one meal per day keeps me going but i am scared that my body will not be able to handle it after some time. maybe i should start packing lunch. 

talking about school, i really am anxious about it. my social anxiety has been getting worse as i mentioned in my earlier entry, if you read that. i just hope i will be able to make friends quickly or i will just start nerding and probably everyone will hate me. i just really want to be a successful teenager though. i wish people cared more about the actual aim of school other than getting into each other’s pants.

i didn’t have lunch because i just don’t have time for it. my dinner was really simple, some rice and a traditional dish, and now i am actually feeling myself getting hungry even though i stuffed a lot of junk food. maybe i should really start taking care of my diet and myself most importantly.

through the day, i watched a ted talk which was really inspiring and since it’s night time, i picked up my “pen” and i am writing down these sentences, hopefully it will reach out to someone.

i really want to inspire other people with my life but… i am really a waste of life so, i am sorry. i am not interesting and maybe i should just not be around anymore. but this is a safe place where i can be myself so… please bear with me.

an average day for me is sleeping more than needed, eating unhealthily, catching up on some random youtube videos and my favorite youtubers and playing video games. it’s really boring and depressing because i feel worthless, but there is really nothing i can do about it.

my friends want to meet up tomorrow and i agreed to do so but my social anxiety makes me want to cancel the plans with an extraordinary excuse because i don’t want to be out of my comfort zone. and they are all so pretty so… i feel very self conscious about my looks. 

i am too lazy to shave too…

um yeah, i should go. i have plenty of ted talks i want to watch so, excuse me please.

what i want to say for the entry “at the end of the day” is, maybe life is not that bad at all. someone named “maxwell” made a comment on my very first entry and maxwell, if you are reading this; it really meant a lot.

thank you for reading.

stay alive.

One thought on “at the end of the day”

  1. I’m glad my comment meant something and I’d like to let you know that your comment meant a lot, too.
    Don’t think of yourself as a waste of life, it may feel like it sometimes, but it’s really not true. No one is here without a purpose, yours may be extremely important. You won’t know until then, whenever it may be! Life can be a surprise full of wonderful things.
    About self-consciousness, it’s OK to be physically flawed as we all are in our own ways and a flaw in one person’s eyes might be absolutely gorgeous in another’s. Of course I don’t know what you look like, but you probably look fine and try not to beat yourself up about it! Also, attractiveness is really a perk rather than a necessity.
    Good luck and try to be good to yourself. Sorry for the lecture LOL.

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