maybe my new life starts tomorrow

I’ve lost count how many jobs I’ve applied for. But on just a few fingers, I can count the number of interviews I’ve been offered. Tomorrow will be my fourth interview since being ghosted the first time in October. And they say the third time’s the charm. It most definitely was not.

I’ve never had any interest in this particular field, but that also goes for utilities and storage units, and I definitely have done okay in those fields, with customer service skills being at the heart of it all. Last night I provided references, in the forms of both supervisors and coworkers. I couldn’t say whether or not anyone was contacted to get an outsider’s view on who I am as an employee and coworker. 

Since the discovery about R and S, I’ve had two more reasons I desperately need to walk out of the door. R may well be on his way out, to bigger and better things in the corporate office. Out of sight, out of mind. And that’s when I lose him completely. He doesn’t text first. I didn’t know he’d come to matter this much.

The thought of saying good-bye saddens me. But if I stay, then I see S everyday. The girl he holds at night and kisses every morning when they wake up. That’s how I imagine them. The girl who chased him, because he does not chase. And I, the girl who has never been afraid to chase, stood by and did nothing. 

Tomorrow could change my life, if they choose me. I could find a way to be happy again, professionally. I’d have the freedom to walk around if I need, to not have every second of my time monitored. To make a difference in even more people’s lives.

In my current profession, I know there are a few I reach. We  connect, and when the call ends, I’m sad they’re gone because I want to know what’s next for them. Sometimes I write their name down in my book, so I don’t forget them. I appreciate them for making my job easier, for giving me goose bumps, for making me smile because I know they’re smiling through the phone, too.

A week or two ago, I spoke to a woman while I was trying very hard not to break down and sob. I was cheerful and polite and thorough, and then something unexpected happened. She asked to speak to my manager because she felt I’d done an amazing job and wanted someone to know. We hadn’t really connected in any way that stood out to me, but if I could have hugged her in that moment, I would have loved to. She gave me something I desperately needed that day. I can only imagine what might have happened in her own life before she reached me.

Pretending to be happy and cheerful while a storm is raging inside you is challenging, especially when you have metrics to live up to. That’s a question I’ll need to ask tomorrow, whether or not there is that expectation. If there is, I might be better off staying where I’m at, even if it continues to pick away at my soul. Maybe there is something hiding around the corner here for me, and I just need to be patient.

I have an amazing boss. Hands down the most incredible one I have ever had in my life. Lots of life lessons I’ve learned. When I need a compliment, he has one to give. When I need motivation, he provides it. We had an hour-long meeting today, which in so many ways felt like what I imagine a therapy session might feel like. I walked out of the room, nearly excited to get back on the phones and talk to people. You never know who you might “meet.” I got to sound out on concerns and fears, and I felt like they were all acknowledged. Changes will be put into place, ones I hope will encourage the others who feel as if they are drowning here.

It’s those people who are struggling in my office I want to reach out to the most. Those who are, for the most part, neglected and unnoticed. If here is where they want to be, then I want to be the one who helps them stay. I want to do more. If they are encouraged and believed in, that’s the first step in succeeding.

I don’t know what tomorrow has in store for me, but I’m open to the possibilities. 

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