So far, I have sold my bed, my chest of drawers, and a lamp. I still need to sell the black console table, my desk and printer stand, and most of all, that shelving unit. I am exhausted. I worked a ballgame Wednesday night. I had a rough day Tuesday at school- my 6th period was a zoo. That shit is exhausting. I didn’t get a plan at all on fucking Tuesday because of the stupid regular meeting and then the team met. Ugh. I cannot handle that. I need a moment. I did manage to avoid being overdrawn, so that’s good. I got 2 $300 cash advances on my credit card. My money situation should start improving after I get through this move. Once I am moved, I will be spending a little less- about $120 less each month on housing and utilities. Then, when I get my tax refund, I am going to pay off that loan- at least I hope it’s enough to pay off that loan- and then I can put all my money toward paying off the credit card. Once all that is taken care of, I should be able to start saving some money to actually do something I want to do. I want to go on a volunteer vacation. I don’t know that I will have enough money to afford one this coming summer, but I should be able to do it the next summer, anyway. This summer, I might be able to afford to do one in the US. I will keep researching it. It’s looking like Greg has no intention of ever contacting me again. It has been 10 days now. I cannot believe he has done that to me. I drove 18 hours to Arkansas to see him and then he does this. How could he be that way? I always manage to find the asshole. I don’t know that I can stand to date any time soon. He broke my heart. My poor heart can’t take much more. My whole body can’t take much more. I am so tired of being sad. I’m tired of being anxious. I’m tired of hurting all the time. It doesn’t seem fair that I am so miserable. I’m not a bad person. Why does my life have to be hell?
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."