Letter #4: Dear A.

Dear A., 

It’s approaching a year to the time when I last saw you face to face. With distance, the love I had for you was able to dissipate, and I am now able to see things clearly as they are. 

You are a wanderer, a lost soul searching for something, looking for it (whatever it is) in all of the wrong places. Perhaps you purposely pursue women you would never actually want to be with if you were in a healthy state of being. I guess if that’s true, I’d be in that category as well. Which doesn’t make sense, because you never deserved someone like me.

I saw through all of your flaws to the person you wanted and tried to be. And he was wonderful and amazing, I thought. Maybe I built you up too much in my mind, saw things that were not really there. 

I blocked your number number for a while, because I was overwhelmed. Depressed. Hopeless. I started to see a flicker down the road, and I am feeling okay again. There are people in my corner, helping to guide me to where I need to be. Somewhere else than where I am right now. If you’ve texted, I didn’t respond, obviously. I don’t know what you think. Or if you even care all that much. For all I know, you just moved down to the next number on your long list.

I considered reaching out, but I don’t really know what to say. “Hi, it’s me. It’s been a few weeks. How are you? Have you sent me any text messages lately? I kind of went a little crazy on some medication my doctor gave me, and I decided out of all my contacts I needed to block you. Then I felt okay for a minute and unblocked you, but you haven’t texted and I kind of wanted to know if you did. So, did you?”

Yeah, no. I’m not going to say that.

Right now, I kind of want one of those crazy deep talks we used to have. The ones that made me fall for you in the first place.

I check in on your facebook business page every so often, and I see these memes, and I wonder who you’re thinking of when you post them. Things about love, about intimacy being more than just physical, about there being a deeper connection. I know it’s not me you’re thinking of. I wonder who she is, why she’s better than me. Why she makes you post those memes, and why I never made you feel that way.

I know, for so many reasons, you cannot be the one I’ve been searching for. You’ve twisted the knife in too deeply and caused me far too much pain. It was a pretty little lie while it lasted. Sometimes I almost wish you were here to lie to me one more time. And sometimes the thought of it nauseates me.

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