This is a few month old thing I wrote in my real life journal that I normally use for creative writing. I am definitely happier most of the time than I was then which proves things can get better. I’d like to start making this public journal more positive after this if I can.
I’m not this dramatic anymore, I hope. This entry honestly reads like some sort of offensive joke and I do find it my past idiocy ever so slightly funny.
“I wish I was raised differently, like a normal kid who went to school, made friends, got in trouble for the silliest of shit. I mean, I’d most likely be a another person, but at least I’d be successful and not undereducated and made the unavailing pile of fucking steaming bullshit that I am now. I am more than ready to get this all over with and shoot myself if I am proved unable to fix myself. So, that’s it, improve yourself or die LOL. How cheesy, or stupid, I wouldn’t know. I wish everything was just as easy as giving up. I don’t even care if I go to hell because I will no matter what I do, I’m just not good enough for anything righteous. It’s not like I’m the worst or stupidest person in the world, I’m just morally not good enough according to the Bible like most modern Americans and I am as unintelligent as a special needs student. Nothing makes me special (as in unique) and nothing needs to. I don’t want to be special. I will get better and I will become good enough, I just need to shut the fuck up and try harder.
I keep fucking trying, but I can’t fucking focus ____ ____ want to get something done but I cant I cant I cant ____ I want to die I want to die so fucking much ____ ____ I’m never going to make it anywhere. I’m never going to be anything. This is all my fault my funeral would cost too much I’m such a burden whether I’m dead or alive I’ll always be a burden but when I’m dead the cost will only last for so long but when I’m alive it’s just ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ everything is so worthless what it’ll cost won’t bother me when I’m dead as self-absorbed or narcissistic as that is”