I don’t really know where to start, but I guess I will with the most obvious and depressing line. I have terminal cancer.
I was diagnosed on August 23rd. I remember not wanting to tell anyone..and that is exactly what I did. I did not tell anyone besides my father, who was there as the doctor told me that I had a brain tumor that had been there for possibly months to a year. I actually still cannot wrap my head around the fact that I have cancer. They told me it was stage four; and that in six months we will either see improvement or I will need intensive care for my last months of this life.
At my appointment this week, my doctor told me I was depressed. They say that depression is a side effect of cancer, which is not entirely true. It’s a side effect of dying. I can’t get this feeling out of my chest, even on my better days where the chemo isn’t totally kicking my ass. I feel like I have totally lost myself to this disease, but I am trying really hard to just be..I don’t know. Just me.
Nobody really understands how hard it is to look past the pain in my legs, the back of my head, and the pain I have in my heart when I know that my life is not normal right now. If I could wish for one thing right now, I would wish to be a little bit stronger than I actually am so I can get through this. I feel like I have lost my light, and I want it back. So, I will be writing about my journey, even thought I fucking hate it when my doctor refers to it as a “journey.” I hope to find this helpful. And I hope to have some readers as I will be making these journal entries deep as well as comical over time.
Until next time,