Finally Got The Courage To Write This

My name is Jacqueline. I’am a survivor of Rape, Sexual Assault, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Domestic Violence. I’m 30 years old. I’m struggling with everything that’s happened to me over the years. Just looking for someone who understand. Here’s what all happened to me.

When I was 7 years old. I was molested by my Cousin Jason.  When I lived on Ohio Street. They thought since we were kids we just was experimenting. So nothing happened to him. It got swept under the rug. Then in 1995 we move on Norman Street. I had to clean house, Do dishes and watch my sister and brother. On top of all that, Still going to school. Me and my sister and brother got kick out of school for having head lice. We was out of school for about 3 months. Till the school called my parents to tell them if your kids are not back in school soon we are calling DCFS. So my parents shaved mine and my sister hair so that we could get back into school. It was so embarrassing going to school with a shaved head. We got called names and made fun of the whole school year. I HATED my parents so much for doing that.

Then in 1999 when I was 11. Me and my brother would go and stay the night at my Aunt Lilly and Uncle Adam place out by Kmart. When I would stay the night there my Uncle would molested me he would touch me down there all the time. He would do it when his kids were there and my brother was there asleep in the front room he would touch me down there. Then me and my family moved to State Street when I was 13 to live with my Grandpa. My Cousin Brian would molested me he would touch me everywhere on my body. He would try to put his thing inside of me…but he could never do it. Whenever he would come over to my Grandpa house, he would touch me. My Grandpa wife left him and went to Las Vegas. She never came back. So I had to clean house, do dishes, do the laundry, fix supper, take care of my Grandpa and my brother and sisters. It was really really hard and I mean really hard doing all of them things. Especially with my Grandpa being really sick. I wasn’t hardly never in school cause I had to take care of my Grandpa since nobody else wanted to do it while I was in school.

Then in 2002 when I was 14 years old. Me and My sisters, My mom and brother moved in with our Grandma on my mom side. So that we could go to school cause were my Dad was living at was not liveable for else yet until he fixes it up. The summer of 2003 I was 15 years old. My Aunt Lilly wanted to know if I will watch her 3 girls while she went to work. I said no problem I would watch them. So couple of month went by and I stayed the night so I didn’t have to wake up so earlier to be at her house. I started staying the night more and more. One night I was asleep in the front room and I woke up and my uncle was on top of me raping me. I didn’t know what to do I wanted to tell someone…but I was scared to say anything to anybody. He would tell me all kind of things like telling me he loves me and cares about me. He started having sex with me all the time while I was watching his kids that summer. He started drinking after the day he raped me and I started drinking cause I didn’t want to remember all the stuff that he done to me. My mom finally came and got me from my aunt’s house so that I could get all my stuff ready for school in August. I went to my Aunt Sheryl and asked her some question about being raped. I told her what happen to me and I think she believe me…But I don’t think she believe me. My Grandma heard what he did to me and she was ready to go and find him and beat the crap out of him. I called my mom to see if she could come home so I could talk to her. My mom got there and we went into the kitchen to talk. I went over by the sink on the other side of the island. My mom was on the other side of the island. I told my mom what happen she come running after me she finally got me and slap me across my face and called me a bitch and told me not to lie to her face again. One night he came over to my Grandma and ask my mom if I could go over to the house that he was fixing on and she said yes. So I went over there with him…but right before we left he told me that he loves me then he kiss me and was taking my clothes off. Then he layed me down and started having sex with me. Then we left got in the truck and on the way back to my grandma house. He said, that he loves me and wanted to marry me. Couple days later he brought the rings that he got and gave it to me in front of my mom. She let him give me the rings. Then my mom called my Aunt Lilly and told her about the rings. My Aunt Lilly said, to come over with the rings. So we left and went to my aunts house. When we got there my aunt car was gone so we park the car and went in the house. We yelled for her once we got in the house. She said, I’m in the shower. So we went and sit down in the front room. Not long after we got there. My Uncle Adam walked in and seen us there and went into the other room. Then my aunt Lilly walked in the front room. Little bit after she came into the front room Adam finally came in the room. My mom handed the rings to my Aunt Lilly. My Aunt Lilly asked her husband some question. He told her that he didn’t do nothing. Then my aunt started asking me question. I didn’t answer her, cause I was scared of my Uncle Adam. I don’t talk about anything that happened for a long time. When I started telling everyone they would say they believe me…but then go behind my back and say that it’s my fault it happened to me.

This is what my family say about it. My aunt is saying that I need to send my uncle away…but she goes behind my freaking back and tell everybody that it’s all my fault that he will be gone and she behind my dad 100%. I can’t believe everything my Dad is saying about me. When I did everything for my sisters and brother. I missed school, cause of everything I had to do. I don’t see how my family just want to be so damn hateful to me just because of what happened to me. They say I deserve every abuse that happen to me…cause I’m such a piece of shit. My mom and dad didn’t treat me as there kid. They treated me as their maid. I felt like there maid they just had me to do everything they ask me to do. That’s why I hurt so bad everyday…cause nobody in my family care about me. They just wish I was out of there life. My Uncle Adam said, he liked me ever since he saw me when I was a baby. I just wish it NEVER happened to me. I don’t know what was going throw his head when he did that to me. My Uncle Adam raped me when I was 15. I still hurt, have nightmares sometimes. Everyday I wake up I push myself to get out of bed to move on with my life to better myself and try not to think about what happened to me and what my family thinks of me. But I don’t think the thoughts and nightmares will EVER go away. I was molested and raped by my uncle. Also molested by my two cousins. My mother still doesn’t believe me. I always ask myself why me. I fear getting close in any relationship. Will the hurt and fear ever go away. I know…but still to this day I think it was my fault that it happen to me. After what happen I started drinking so that I could relieve some of the pain. It’s hard when the memories come back in my head. All I want to do is go back and start cutting myself and drinking again. I just want to cry everyday because of all the stuff that’s happened to me in the past. My family keeps saying that I don’t need no kids…cause I can’t take care of kids and I know I can take care of kids..cause almost my whole life I was taking care of my brother, sisters and taking care of my grandpa while missing school. Now they are pissing me off so bad cause they won’t stop saying that shit. I think my family hates me for what happened to me. My Aunt Sheryl and My Mom fell in love with the person that hurt me. I don’t think they believe me. The person that raped me goes around saying that I was willing. I wanted to go upstairs and tell my aunt…but I was scared to say anything to her about it.

This is a question my family always ask me. Did you love Adam back then? I said, I wouldn’t say that is just that he kept saying that he loved and cared about me. I told him that no one cared about me like that cause my mom and dad didn’t show that they cared for me. It’s just Adam just kept up saying that he loved and cared for me and he was confusing my mind.

After moving out of my Grandma house in 2004 to Oakwood with my Mom, Dad, Sisters and brother. My Uncle Adam would still come out and give me letters all the time. Finally he stop giving me letters. In 2006 I got into a wreck I hit a light pole. Damaged the car really bad. Nobody knows how we all made it. God was on our side that day. My brother was the only one that got hurt. In 2004 I graduated Junior High. Everything was going good. In 2005 I got a job and going to school. In 2006 Me, My Mom, Sisters and Brother moved to Westville. Once I turned 18 I moved out…but couldn’t handle living on my own. So I moved in with my Aunt Lisa. Then My Cousin Brian started staying the night a lot. Wants Our Aunt went to bed he would go over to the couch where I was laying down and start touching me. Finally he stop coming over. Then I moved back in with My Mom.

Then in 2007 I got with this dude name Terry. He would hit me all the time. When I would hit back he would get harder so I stop defending myself. Then it went to forcing me to having sex with him. If I didn’t he would rape me and hit me at the same time. I never went around my family I stayed living at his mom’s so nobody would know what was going on. I didn’t have the courage to leave. Finally one day I was done with it all. I woke up and walked out the door and started walking to my aunt’s house. Finally I got there and my Aunt Lisa let me move in.

In 2009 I moved back in with my Mom because my 15 year old sister got pregnant by our dad. I moved in to take care of my niece while my sister went to school. I met my ex husband from my brother. We got together in July 2009 and got married in September 2009. I regret it every day of my life. After moving in with him and his mom everything changed. He started hitting me…cause I didn’t want to have sex. So he would hit and hit till I would give in. Once I stop giving in he would force me. I couldn’t go anywhere and when he would let me leave he had to go with. Even if I took a shower he had to be in the bathroom while I took a shower to make sure I wasn’t cheating on him. When I would go to the bathroom he would follow me into the bathroom while I go to the restroom. He would take my brush and hit me in the head every time. He would call me all kinds of names. Finally on September 2011 I told him I wanted a divorce. When I went to get my stuff he was hitting me the whole time. I was moving my stuff out. Even tried tripping me while taking my bed out. I was so glad once I got out of there.

Then finally my life started to turn around on November 23 2011 my sister abandon her daughter so I took her in and started raising her. Finally August 1 2013 I got custody of her. May 15 2014 I got my divorced. Now I’m trying to make my life better for me and my daughter. It hard but I’m working everyday to make it happen.

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