cultivate your hopes.

Today was Stacey’s funeral, she the beautiful brunette with the flowered crown. 

I couldn’t speak with her mother, she was so distraught. She had to be taken home, she was having a full break down. Her baby was also buried along side her. I spoke to her brother, and her sister in law. 

He really cut her up badly. He stabbed her four times to her pregnant belly. The baby died during surgery. She was suppose to recover but began to hemorrhage again and then went into cardiac arrest 72 hours later. 

I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. 

All she wanted was that baby. 

I’m confused and the rest is muddled to me.

I only met him once, I didn’t like him, but he wasn’t crazy on the outside. I only found out later he would beat her after she moved to NYC to be with him. Then she cut off contact with me, and I would only hear about her through her mother. And he forced her to cut off contact with them too. 

I feel indifferent. Did I even really know her? 
She was my best friend, and yet I feel like the person that they’re describing is not someone I have ever met. Why would she endure all of this to be with him? How the fuck did he brainwash her so badly? I just feel like,,,,, well I guess it doesn’t matter what I feel like anymore. Its all fucked. I want to understand, but there are so many questions I’m left with. 

I feel a sense of guilt too. I could have made more of an attempt to reach out to her when I heard she was in an abusive relationship. I could have paid a trip to NYC to visit her. I could have done more. Instead I got preoccupied with my own stupid life. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t even try to reach out to her more than a handful of times. 

I don’t get it.
I know I never will. And he’s not talking. He’s going to end up the rest of his life behind bars and probably never talk.

Last week my mother was in a car accident as well, she  suffered a broken leg and a few fractures but thankfully she is alive and recovering. 

All of this has taken a toll on my school life, I’m so behind in many of my courses. I’ve fallen behind in studying, and I have to force myself to go to class somedays. I know this is my last year, and the most difficult/important, but I’m losing any desire to be here anymore.

I feel so fucked. 

And the cherry on top of it all is that Ayato . . . he keeps contacting me and telling me how heartbroken he is but that he won’t stop loving me. And I love him so much so I always answer his calls, but its hurting us both. Except he’s been so depressed lately not just because of the break up but because his uncle , whom repeatedly  abused and raped him when he was 9 -11 years old , is being released from prison. He is going to be a free man able to go anywhere, and its causing Ayato to have a total fucking meltdown. he calls me in the middle of the night, telling me how he can’t sleep from the anxiety, he has been having nightmares every single night. he can’t sleep. he starts to get panic attacks. and he thinks his PTSD is coming back. especially now that his grandfather died. and i feel so fucking useless, unable to help him. unable to be there for him. instead, breaking his heart. such a fucking amazing person’s heart, what he sees in me I still don’t understand. 

I just want to dig a hole and pour the dirt in over me, because I feel like I won’t be much use to anyone in life. 

I couldn’t help my only friend, my best friend, my sister, I couldn’t help her and that sick fuck took her life. and i can’t be there for my mother who i hardly see anymore because i chose to go to a school so far away from home. and i can’t help the love of my life, i can’t help him sort out all the miserable shit life he’s been through. despite the misery and pain he’s endured, he is still such a kind humble man, and i dont know what the fuck he sees in me. all i see are my imperfections and my flaws and i am riddled with insecurity and selfhatred. and i broke his heart, when he’s never done anything but love me. all because i am so fucking stupid and insecure. 

and im going to an amazing school, my dream school, of which i am so fortunate to attend. only to be here and be so alone, and wanting to go home everyday. i want to go home to colorado, i want to be with my parents. i want to go be with my baby, and apologize to him for leaving him, and give him babies and be his family and give him the best life ever. but i feel like i am ultimately cultivating my hopes in a land where the seasons  never change. and I will hate myself in the end. 

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