trouble sleeping.

I still can’t believe Stacey is gone.

I thought I had more time, I was so invested in my own bullshit. I should have made the effort to fly to new york and see how she was doing. ffuck I will always live with this regret in my heart. 

i can’t even remember our last conversation. 

….i can’t get out of bed somedays.

all i do is cry and cry and drink my pain away. and i fake it in front of other people because i’m so stupidly self conscious that even i don’t want them to judge me for being depressed. 

and i can’t even be there for my baby. the love of my life. he’s going through some shit of his own too and i can’t even be there for him. we talk every single morning and every single night. for hours. i love him so much. i thought i was in love before, but christ. i would die for this man. i love him so much. and i want to make him happy and take away all the pain he’s also endured.

i just wake up in the middle of the night, thinking how he’s going about his day. and worried about him.

he told me he hasn’t slept much in the past weeks. he keeps having nightmares, so he takes heavy pain killers to sleep. and i’m so worried about him. i think about him all the time. wondering if he’s okay, if he needs someone to talk to , if he’s lonely. etc. he’s asked me if i want him to pay for me to visit him, but i said no since im busy with school. i feel awful rejecting his offer. almost every conversation he tells me he wants to buy me a plane ticket. 

i am seriously contemplating taking this semester off and just flying to japan to be with him. im holding out but im miserable here. im alone. i feel so down. and i just want to be with him, i love him, i miss him, im an idiot for trying to leave him. 

i haven’t slept much since i havent been drinking. but im having trouble sleeping.

i dont know what to do anymore. 

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