we as humans love the theory of multiple universes, because it allows us to believe that all the people we didn’t become, all the roads we didn’t take, all the times we turned left when we should have turned right, didn’t wither and die a senseless death. we like to believe that somewhere out there, there’s a Universe where we get to have made the other choice. one that might have changed us. made us into bigger, braver people than the ones who we became instead. hypothetical universes allow us so much leniency. they are where we can turn to unload our hearts and our failures and regrets. in some universe you are mine. in some lifetime, we did it right.
I used to tell myself that there were so many universes for you and I. one where we held it together. one where we stuck around, worked it out, ironed out our heartbreaks and forgave one another for it all. one where there is nothing to forgive – where we grew up as slowly as we needed to, never had to turn against each other, to our chests. one where everything happened the way it was supposed to. one where it was simpler, easier, pure. one where we wanted the same things, laughed at the same jokes, loved each other’s families as if they were our own.
I have driven myself mad over the years, mapping out all of these universes for you and I. if-only this. what-if-I’d that. tracing and trailing through our history, there are so many moments where our galaxies split in half. where our stars realigned and our planets shifted swiftly and we found ourselves on wildly different courses than the ones we should have taken.
but we don’t live in any of those universes.
we live in this one, the one where we lost each other.
this has been the hardest universe to swallow.
out of all of all possible universes, we landed in the one that broke us. one where two halves did not make a whole and every molehill turned into a mountain. this is the universe where in ten hundred thousand tiny ways, we were wrong.
I want us to be that single glitch in the matrix.
the thing about loving you is that I’d have waded through an infinite number of universes trying to find the one that’s right for us. one that would have suited us, strengthened us, allowing us to be the people we needed to be for each other.
unfortunately, there are too many galaxies out there. there are too many fractures, too many splinters, too many moments where the roads diverged and the manifestations of our choices split into ten thousand alternate lives. there are enough what-ifs out there for me to get lost in forever.