Live broadcast September fuck u 9:14 @ night.

Shuffle God’s: district sleeps alone tonight – the postal service SKIP 

Got to control my emotions and music is the power player.  It’s good on me is magical!

Next song: Millie Vanilli – Don’t forget my number.  

Made me smile but makes me want answers after I’m gone maybe   if you eve remember   why y9u sent me those songs. And what you ” we’re getting at ”   

God you’ll miss me   I promise.  It makes me sad so much.  I am so worried I’ve shown you the pits of humanity and it’s effect on y9ur take on life and how you th8nk your ntot good person. Define whose version of a good man you want to be and live by that and not that dark past that’s creeping up behind your back so heavly right now. 

I’ll stick to my very most hardest way of disciplining my self and Trying to stay in t he light as long as p9ss8boe and try and shut the darkn3ss out as soon as i can sen see it creeping b back in.  I am not weak.  I am not any less than any other. I don’t except the future that would be easy and miserable   I am willing to put in as much work as I can possibly put in in order to keep moving forward towards wherer I want to be in life. I need to focus on exactly what th4 looks l iketome nowandtry it out.  Start moving t9wardsir and ke3p trying to ch3ck back n Andale sure it’s th4same   but its always been   I’ve always yearned to get lost in thewoods. L3arn to live with it and give and take fr 9m it like my ancestryors did in the appalicians   but I don’t have t9 stay in one place.  Who says.  Why would it be bad for my children to travel when it’s possible.  When we make it possinle because its w0rth it. 

Really distracted 

Buju is serenading me in my head phones   

Do you know how many forrest ther are to explore in the world?

I swear im not drunk but I’m typing super fast on a tablet   

I love the woods why couldn’t I make it make my career.  Find the things I love t9gether and figure out how t9 make m9ney doing them.  It’s probably not as hard as I feel like it would be.  Journalism. Blogging   I love writing I love taking pictures I love documenting and I love the woods and. Mountains and mother tucking nature and I want to enjoy it fully before the h uman race uses it upand moves on somewhere else.  We are shrinking and shrinking what feeds us what makes us capable of surviv8ng 9nthe planet. We are supposed to be the most evolved animals 9n the p planet but at what price. It will humans that are the culprit of their own extinction. Well see id9mthave time to waste. I want to b4 in8tfor as long as possible. I’ve wanted to test my theory ever since I was young walking up in West Virginia. And looking around m3  I’ve always said it  “how could anyone be that sad when theyhave this tolookateveryday?  The day that shut doesn’t make me smile from ear to fuckin ear at least once even for just a sec9nd.  That day should be my last and I hope to God it doesn’t come any day soon. I need to keep things in mind things that make me naturally smile  it’s so natural and automatic 3v3n the darkest of times couldn’t kill a hint of a smile of my chubby cheeks raising my children, mpther nature   the wilderness, music, writing   pushing myself and surprising myself.  Listening to drumming.  Your drumming.  Are you still there?  

 

You should just play this one day for background music  or just see if you like it.  

 I don’t know what to do with myself. And I want to obey your wishes  I really have no clue what I should do with myself right now   

Every time I slow down now. My thoughts are to myself and it’s up t9 me to distract them    I’m so tired. And it’s the most grisly fighting. Alone   without distraction.  Every other thought sadness tries to come and get me. It’s so exhaust8ng but I can’t ever stop ever not ever a day again those days 8n the hospital barely be8ngable to moveab9ut killed me   and set me back maybe but n9t f9r long.  I’ll go out to the river and hike from top to bottom.  I need to figure out a goodbye out there.  One last time.  I need something to try and grab a hold of and capture out there one last time.  Try and save it t9 take it with me because lord knows I wil need it so very badly. 

 

I really don’t know if I should stay or just go right now? Fuck it 

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