Transferred notes from the day. Cc

Find guy from pool store ask him for stand up bass lessons like he offered years ago.  A

I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you 

I think you know deep down inside that I would take care of you.  I know you know it.  

I never wanted t force my way in I’ve wanted patient with you from the beginning that’s what I admired about you at first.  I need to learn that. I don’t have time to be who u need to be to be an effective positive person in my life.  If Spencer wants to play childish games I’ll go back to Oklahoma.  Dedicate my self to therapy and when I feel I’m ready I’m coming as a grown ass woman with no time for games or bullshit.  He’ll realize before then.  What he had.  What he did.  The marks he left on me.  Physically and emotionally.  He told me he felt like a monster. And maybe he had some truth to that feeling.  He used and abused me and maybe really did love me. Because of the mother I am.  And only lust after that.  Power hungry lust.  And when he realized he lost power over me and I didn’t need him.  He lost his mind. And is listening to more than just his head and his heart.   I know I’m doing the right thing.  I’ll continue in this path I started when i made the decision to part from him. I may have hit a few bumps.  It’s not a happenstance that we met.  And tho things went astray I glad I met you before I died.  In whatever fucked up way it happened I couldn’t totally wish I had never met you.  Because I am selfish and I have learned and grown from knowing you and being around you.   You’ll never see it. One day I hope you’ll take the credit you deserve you see who I am and where I am and what I’m doing and be proud that you were genuine with me and we’re there when everyone wasn’t.  I hope no matter how far down the line in life I hear from you or see you again I’ll take it and I’ll be glad. Because the people that are there at the bottom I want around when I’m at the top.  Even as an old woman a woman of the mountains and you wonder through and old man.  Whatever man you decide to be.  I’ll be happy to see you.   I’ll always hope your doing well.  Better than well I hope your doing something to live your very best life you want.   Please listen when I say it’s not too late.  You think your past mistakes define you.  Don’t worry about anything else but now and in the future.  Let it go.   Let it all go.   Heal like you want now that I’ll be gone.  We can still do it together even if we aren’t even if we never speak or see each other again.  We can still do it together.  For each other in its own fucked up way.   I have so many questions I’ve always wanted to ask you and try and learn why you are the way you are right now.  I’m sorry for whatever it was.  And I’m sorry for whatever hurts so bad to make you feel the way you feel.  It’s never to late to change and be who you want to be.  Don’t give up on yourself.  You have so much to offer and so much potential. I couldn’t tell you enough.   

When I sent you that email about my illness your interuotation was that I was manipulating ou into feeling trapped maybe.  You said oh great now I’m trapped.  And my truth was I Just wanted a chance for you to maybe understand what’s actually wrong with me and really going on.   Not just the emotional dramatic crybaby that you see.  

I’m trying to stay as positive as I can possibly be and not tell my self again I lost my kids. Because I didn’t.  And I won’t give up I’m still doing what I set out to do.  And I’ll continue you do so.  

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