today i had a nightmare that my love killed himself. i dreamt that he got a call from his uncle, and they spoke over the phone briefly. then he went into his bedroom and hanged himself. i woke up hysterically crying. i called him right away. he promised me he was okay, but i know him, and i know he’s doing really bad right now. but we talked for a bit. i wasnt able to go back to sleep. he promised me he was okay, and he would call me later today, but he never did. so i called him back but it turns out he was asleep, and i know that means he’s been drinking again for him to be passed out and belligerent, i know when he’s been drinking. im really worried about him. he was crying telling me how much he loved me, which scared me because when he’s drunk he doesn’t really get emotional or that type of drunk. but i am really scared for him, and i love him so much. i love him with my entire heart. i want to be with him, and i want to take care of him. i already broke his heart, but i love and care for him. so i told him that im booking a flight for japan, and im going to take the semester off. i can always return to school in the spring, there’s always time for that. but i want to be with him so much, and i want to be there for him. thats the most important thing to me right now, and its an easy decision for me to make.
ayato was happy that i was going to visit him, but he’s really upset that im taking the semester off. i almost had to argue with him that i fucking love him and i dont want to be away and i dont care what he says im going to be with him. still he was sooo happy. he even made me all happy and bright, just to be with him.
i realize it was a mistake to break up with him. i cant take it back but i dont regret it. simply because i realize only now how much he means to me.
so the good news is that im leaving for japan very soon. but first im going to go home tomorrow to colorado and spend time with my parents. then i am traveling to japan on friday. i feel so happy. i actually am excited for tomorrow. i get to see all of the people that i love so much! i feel alive