I did pretty well today with my new plan of not speaking to anyone unless spoken to. I didn’t speak to Deborah all day. Nor my boss. I have 2 more days this week. It’s the next 4 weeks that are going to be hell. We have 4 straight 5 day weeks in a row. That will be rough. I will also be trying to get moved during that time. I went to my new place today to pay my rent and get my key, but John wasn’t home. The current tenants are not even moved out yet, anyway. Ugh. I am slightly concerned with how run down the whole place looks. There is junk piled up everywhere in the back and the front facade needs some major work. I don’t know why he’s not taking better care of the house. The inside is a complete mess, too. The last time I was there, he had water flowing through his kitchen floor because it was raining. I literal stream of water. I hope this was not a terrible decision to move there. I am a little nervous about it. Oh well. I’m afraid my stuff won’t fit, for one. I know it’s bigger than my NYC apartment. He listed it as 1000 square feet. It doesn’t seem that big to me. John does seem like an interesting man, though. I do think I could be friends with him. Three of my high flyers were absent from my 6th period today, so it went pretty smoothly. 7th was actually worse than 6th today. I’m thinking a lot about going back to school for nursing. The full RN program says it’s 5 semesters on the school web site. I don’t know if they would make me re-take classes I’ve already taken before because it’s been so long since I took them. I don’t know what I should do. I guess just suck it up, tough it out, get over it, etc., and make it to 55 teaching. I honestly just don’t know that I can do it. I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am so tired of kids talking when I’m teaching. I’m tired of kids that can’t sit in a goddam chair. I’m tired of their apathy. I hate several adults in my building now. I don’t think my principal likes me, anymore. She doesn’t respond to my emails. And she took Shrek’s side in our squabble last week. Fuck it.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."