Those are the two words that I keep repeating – over and over again – everytime I hear your name. Everytime I think of you, my stomach just churns. Sometimes I just want to rush to the closest bathroom and hurl.
They say there’s no point in dwelling on the past. Well, I’ve tried. I often thought I’d finally succeed until something always brought me back to the memories of you.
The first kiss in front of Jakarta Theatre one night, four years ago. You, trying to lure me in bed – two months after that. You, exiting your bedroom with another girl, the night after I’d said no.
You, pretending not to see me as I walked past both of you, looking down on my phone. Yeah, I was doing the same thing too, pretending I didn’t see you.
I was just testing you. You simply failed. I knew right there and then whom I was dealing with:
A polyamorous, remorseless sociopath. It was always about what you wanted.
My friends hated your guts. They still do. I don’t blame them. Most have been pretty darn blunt about you:
“Hon, he’s gonna try everything he can until you finally give in. Stay away from him!”
“Ugh, he just wants a f*** mannequin!”
“What a f***boy.”
“He’ll never be loyal. What do you expect?”
Nothing, at least not anymore. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not expecting anything from you, or any other guy out there, anymore.
That’s why, everytime you return here and we cross path with each other, I simply blow you off. Once in a while, when I’m in a cheeky mood, I just play you around.
You’re so full of yourself. You think I was jealous that night at the club, when you showed up with her? Wrong. I was just trying to protect her from you. I never wanted you back.
Thankfully, she got my hint. Guess what? She even thanked me. I supposed she’d noticed you that night, trying to kiss me when she looked away. Half-drunk, but she was not stupid.
I’m glad we had that last fight. God, I really hope that was it. No more drama, mister. I’ve always known what you really want, despite you acting as if you know what’s good for me.
You sounded disappointed that day.
“Really, I thought you were smarter. You still believe in that long-term, monogamy bulls***?”
I laughed sarcastically.
“You’ll say and do anything to get what you want. Sorry not sorry, I’m not responsible for your disappointment.”
“This isn’t about me,” you dodged my argument. Typical. “I wanna know what you want.”
“No, you don’t,” I shot back. “You just want a bedwarmer everywhere. You always have other girls. Why are you still after me?”
No response. I wasted no time. I logged out and went back to my writing job online. Better paid, more worth it.
Please, be gone. It’s been five years. Don’t be pathetic. Why can’t you just leave this girl alone? This time, I hope I’ll never have to see you again. You’re disgusting and a pain!