This is not the end.

I struggle.  Do I send this email to her, or not?  I’m not even sure if she’s reading her email right now, or will in the future.  Whatever happened, it has hit her really hard, and she’s shut down that part of her life.  If I tug on her at all, she spirals in even deeper. 

I know she is numb, hurt, trying to sort through it.  I know she can’t talk to me right now.  But I wish she knew how beautiful she really was, how worthy she really was, how she is enough and so much more. 

I will always be here for her.  I realized this over the past few months, the past year and a half given all that has happened.  She has changed me, for the better, for always.  She gave me something, freely and honestly and trusted me completely with it.  Nobody has ever quite done that for me before. 

I will always love her … I just wish that was enough. 

The letter … as it exists, that I might send soon:

Remember that I see you differently, more deeply than others, so whatever happens it’s all okay.  you deserve to be treated respectfully even if that means you needed to walk forward or away.  Please know I will never be upset at you for that.

I need not to step back, but just a little bit aside.  Although not anxious, I have been sad and worried.  I will never step away from you.  your apology for shutting me out, hurting me before was so heartfelt, I know you are not wanting to do that this time, so never be sorry.  I understand all of it and what you are going through.

When the little girl had to leave she had her Daddy.  she is safe and with him.  All she ever need do is hold out her hand, and he is right there.  Always.

Reach soon for the happiness you recently felt.  Don’t reach for the little girl, but rather the warm and good feelings you had.  Those times are what make things so worthwhile, and are remembered the most.  you will be happy again, you deserve and have earned that, and to have somebody care for you because of who you are, not who you think you need to be.
you are my friend.  That friend all on her own is very welcome.  I miss you as my friend.  I worry for your well being, your safety, your soul.  I enjoy our chats of dancing sharks, baseball, lasagna and the opera.

This is not goodbye, you will always have a special place.  I will wait, a month, a year, a lifetime.  I need no other.  Just you. 

*brushing a stray wisp of hair from your forehead, then taking your hands in mine, softly: “Mujer encantadora, mi bella princesa, always and forever … yours.”*


4 thoughts on “This is not the end.”

  1. Thank you, although I don’t know whether to truly be sad, or hopeful, or just wistful. She came back before after a long, tough year of dealing with things. Stresses in her life that she needs to deal with.
    I’ve also added this paragraph to the email (not sent yet.)
    Yes, I care for you very much. I know somewhere way down deep inside you can feel that, even though it causes difficulties. I’ve never met a person with as much passion as you have, I suspect few others have ever touched or felt that in you. But it is there, and it’s part of what makes you so beautiful. you are such an amazingly complex, caring and trusting person. I am so incredibly lucky to have ever met you. you are unique, incredible, a perfect mix of strength and softness. Even M. doesn’t even really know all that you are, does he. you took my breath away from the first conversations we had, I still can’t breathe properly … *smiles* I think sometimes you have no idea all that I see in you. Don’t ever change, not one tiny bit.

  2. “I need not to step back, but just a little bit aside”…I love this!!

  3. Yes, stepping back seems like leaving, stepping to the side let’s be stay engaged, gives my emotional self a bit of a break, and lets me reach out my hand easily to hold hers when and if she needs that.

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