I am trying to crawl out of my comfort zone with seeking help for myself when I need it the most, instead of just ignoring it hoping it will pass. And the only reason I am doing this now is because I don’t know how to handle what I’ve been going through- whatever the hell this is. And what I fear about it is, I don’t understand why or why now? I’m not in a bad place in my life, in fact I am in a good place, I can assure you I have been through far worse things, so WHY NOW? See, “whatever this is” isn’t necessarily a physical aspect in my life or something specifically that’s happened, its something sinking its deep fangs in my mind, affecting me mentally and emotionally. It feels like it sucking the life out of me, suffocating me. Its causes me to be drained constantly, migraines, I stay up staring at nothing with aches in the pit of my stomach, I’m missing more work. It literally feels like I can barely breathe or that I am holding my breath for too long, so I have to stop myself sometimes and take deep breaths. It feels like this massive boulder of every little thought I ever have is caving in on me, its getting just heavier and heavier. Its like screaming and fighting and kicking in the host of someone who is so calm and relaxed and collected. Like I said, I don’t have really specific reasons. Its just decided suddenly to build a little home in the comfort of my mind, ready to make its present known. I thought that if I added some change in my life, it would help me a bit- so I switched to a different job position, went back to school. But its here all the same. I’m getting so distant with the people I love. I can barely stand when my fiancé touches me. I feel so far away, sometimes. And its not them.
Its like I’ve lost a piece of me, somehow. A piece where my passion is- writing, reading, all that has helped make me who I am all these years. And I want it back, I want to not feel like this for any longer than I need to, especially not for the rest of my life.
So I’ve sought out help. I made an appointment to see a doctor. Something I never do. I don’t do this, ever, so I feel so vulnerable and weak. I keep asking myself, why ain’t I stronger than this out of all things? And maybe that’s part of the problem? Maybe all these bad things in my life have just fallen on me like a wave of dominos, piled up? But I need to do this, because I have a daughter that needs all of me here, fully present. I don’t want her to grow up feeling like me being distant is because of her, cause its not. I’m distant because its the only way I fight back these feelings. I shut them out, so I don’t act out irrational or make rash decisions. I still take care of her in these moments, of course, but one day she’s going to understand and question the underlining of my emotions and feelings. And I don’t want her to feel like my mental state is her responsibility, ever.
So, here I am taking a step forward. And please God, I hope this passes.