Ugh. I’m done for the week. I had planned on starting to move tomorrow, but the current tenants are not out yet. I have an appointment with the med doc tomorrow, my regular doc for a flu shot, and now a job interview for the elementary job in Woodford. The money is holding me back more than anything else. It’s a 13K pay cut. That is a shit ton of money. I am really frustrated with my job right now. I feel like I am beating my head against the wall. Those kids don’t want to learn. They are driving me crazy. I’m not sure if I should leave for another job, though. I have been paying that $114 a month for disability. Maybe that’s what I need- to take a break and get my mental health in better shape. I have been deeply, deeply depressed since 2015. 2016 was one of the worst years I’ve ever had in my life. I really seriously considered suicide. I was a disaster. My medicine doctor then put me on Wellbutrin and Lithium in addition to my Cymbalta. None of it helped. I kept telling her, and I still think, that if nothing in my life is any better, how would any amount of medicine of any kind make me not depressed? When I thought Greg was going to be THE ONE, I was feeling happy for about 10 days back in April. I even foolishly thought that I might be able to go off the Cymbalta and be off all medicine for the first time since I was 30. Ha. Boy, that sure was wrong. I have given up on the idea of a relationship. Given up. It’s just me. I am off Facebook now. The only bad thing about that is that I was selling stuff on FB marketplace, and now I can’t. I know I probably shouldn’t change jobs, but I just don’t know if I can take much more of the current situation. Having 11 year old children yell at me, curse at me, flip me off, tell me to get out of their face, it’s all a little much. When Dwayne held up scissors last week like he was gonna stab me, I wished he would. I wished he would just go ahead and do it. Stab me with those fucking scissors, big boy. I didn’t fucking flinch. Maybe if I got stabbed, the goddam admin would figure out these kids are out of control. OUT. OF. CONTROL. That fucking kid punched another kid in my class yesterday, and he did not even get one day of suspension. Nice. Unbelievable. I wish I could go see Lisa. I have no one to talk to about my stuff. No friends. No family. I am alone in the world.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."