I sat alone with an ache in my heart that felt more heavy than usual. My friends were gone, on to bigger and brighter things than myself. They didn’t leave to be cruel or resentful, I was forgotten. Unaccounted for. Which actually felt worse. There’s nothing you can do to make someone accept you besides trying to be a person you would expect them to accept. But with that you lose sight of being your own independent thought. But being someone brave enough to lead is hard when no one wants to follow you. That’s where I find myself sinking in quicksand of loneliness. Having to beg your friends to love you and enjoy you as much as everyone else is humiliating. Almost like having no friends at all. when they have done no evil, speaking up makes you look like the bad guy. Eventually I find myself in a tornado of mixed emotions. Begging for the exceptance of the world pushes it away from you. The only thought I can grip is that I shouldn’t have to beg my friends to be my friends. But yet maybe being alone is worse than cold company. It’s not my character to chase people or to tag along, all I need is a simple thought. One reason that I’m invited. Without it I feel discluded. I worry my thoughts alter reality but when you reach out to be involved or included with no returned interest how can you not expect the worst.
I write my thoughts in times of stress and discomfort. Accepting the feelings brings me peace and stillness. I am not yet ready to claim my work because I am afraid, but please comment and share your thoughts. Conversation nurses growth.