Friday October 5th

I slept until 8 this morning. I had vivid, crazy dreams all night. I was in New York. I was staying at Corinne’s house. She had a house instead of an apartment- she had designed it herself- I really liked it. I was leaving to go home. I was going to take a bus. Waiting for the bus, it was all so detailed and weird. I feel sick at my stomach. I think I forgot to take my medicine yesterday and that’s why. I am a nervous wreck right now. High anxiety and my belly hurts. I don’t know what to do next. I haven’t heard from my “friends” in weeks. Not really since school started. I hate my life so much. So much. It’s rainy and yuck outside. I went to my new medicine person yesterday. I liked her. She seemed smart. I spilled out everything. She prescribed Abilify for me to start taking in addition to my Cymbalta. It acts on a different brain chemical than Cymbalta. Clearly all my brain chemicals are fucked. I have been solidly depressed since 2015 with only one 10 day break. No wonder people kill themselves. Who would want to live like this? I am going to do everything I can to stay alive at least until John and Sophie die. When they are gone, I will re-evaluate. I don’t know what to do next. I have been off FB for days now, and the only thing I regret about leaving it is Marketplace. I wish I could list my stuff there because I think I have a better chance of selling there than on Craigs List. At least there it gets more exposure. 

I’m scared my stuff is not going to fit in the new apartment. I don’t know if I should get rid of my mattress and box springs. I am thinking about getting a storage unit. I am worried about Noah. I feel like I need to get a house and have him live with me again. I think my ideas about moving away from here are not going to happen because of Noah. I need to take care of him.  My life is so jacked up. 

Later, that same day…

I did my errands- picked up my contacts, picked up my prescriptions, and I stopped at Target. I was going to look for some short sleeve shirts to wear to work and look at something maybe to put my files in. Ugh. I couldn’t take it. I don’t know how people like to shop. It stressed me out so bad I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Yesterday, I went in to TJ Maxx to see if they had any Rae Dunn that I might want. Oy! The line to pay was enormous. It was crowded as fuck in there- again- too much. I don’t know if it’s my anxiety that makes me hate to shop or if it’s just my personality, or if there’s a difference in my personality and anxiety. My personality IS anxiety. I am a goddam mess. I took 1/2 of one of the Abilify like the lady told me to do yesterday. I don’t know if it was the reason, but I was SO sleepy today. I actually made coffee. I never drink coffee except in the morning when I first get up. I haven’t done much of anything today. I think I will be able to get in to my apt tomorrow. That’s good. I hope to hell it’s big enough for my stuff. If not, I don’t know what the hell I’ma do. I have one room upstairs empty and the hall closet upstairs empty. If I can get in to the apt tomorrow, I will take shit over there all day. I will take stuff over on Sunday, too. Maybe take one load a day on school days. If I do that, maybe I’ll have most of it before the movers come on the 20th. Moving really sucks. 

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