Racing Thoughts.

It’s  2:49am, I can’t sleep. I swear these emotions must be hereditary. I feel as if this crippling depression has gone on for generations but covered up by addiction. I also think I understand why some turn to drugs. There is this feeling of fear in wanting to kill yourself. Somehow, you just want to take the pain away, even for a moment. I guess  for some, it is never enough to take this pain away. The harder the drug, the more they just want to escape reality. At least they have found their escape. I sit alone with these thoughts while I cannot sleep, no matter how hard I try. I think of scenarios, I think about how I am ruining my future. I lack any motivation. I remember crying when I first got into my dream school. And now 2 years later, I hate it. I wish I never decided to go to college. I have no idea what career I want to venture towards. All I can remember is telling my mom I would be rich. I would take care of her and we could travel to all the countries she has wanted to visit. Since a young age I would pray to God, that I wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning, I guess that is why I have those doubts if he is real. I don’t want to be a failure. I want to succeed, I want to make a lot of money. I have a good work ethic. But I lack motivation for school. I don’t learn as easy anymore. I was a smart child, I was always one of the top in my class in Elementary. I was smart, but I lost it… how can you lose that? I searched google for an answer, I found out how damaging depression is on your brain. It doesn’t just affect your emotions, it can cause physical damage to the brain, causing you to be forgetful. I was a happy, smart kid, and with everything I became a depressed, stupid, lazy girl.

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