Saturday October 6th

My house is a complete disaster. I have crap everywhere in prep to move. I am hoping like hell John texts me this morning and tells me I can start moving stuff. If Noah would come over and help me, I could fill his car with stuff, too, and it would really help things go faster. I won’t try to get up up until around 11, though. I am high anxiety about this decision to move, anyway. September has been the worst month of 2018. First Greg ghosted on me after I spent a fortune on him and kissed his ass for months, then everything at school is falling apart, now I’m worried about Noah’s wellbeing, I feel like I’m making a mistake moving even though I haven’t even started moving yet. My anxiety/depression/ptsd are eating me alive. Bethany and my mother are both mad/not speaking to me in addition to everything else that’s falling in on my head. I am a goddam rock star for not killing myself considering the mess my life is in. Oh, and I forgot to mention the flea infestation that has cost me hundreds of dollars and is still happening even though I’ve sprayed, powdered, washed, and bombed for a month. Yeah, even a normal person would be suicidal after a month like I’ve had. I’m really starting to wonder if this deep depression is just who I am now. If I’m gonna have to live with it for as long as I continue to live. It’s been almost 3 years of it now. I guess I’ll just keep trying until I can’t make myself try anymore. 

Later, that same day…

I actually feel better now that started moving. I’m excited about my new place again. I got a lot of stuff moved with just my car. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to do it, but I think I’m gonna be able to get it all moved except for the big stuff I’m having the movers take. I ordered a rug, a microwave, 2 shoe shelves, some more Rae Dunn, and a kitchen cart. I’m excited to start putting it all together. I still need to get stuff for the windows, and I haven’t gotten a bookshelf yet. I don’t know what to get. I’m not sure how I am going to get everything to fit- I may have to put my desk in the bedroom. I will have to think about it some more. But at least it did lift my mood today. Noah came over and took a couple of things in his car. I am going to need another chest of some sort with drawers for my clothes, I think. The best news is that I feel better- even if it is just a little. 

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