So first entry…prompted by another incident at work where I get told that I’m too negative primarily because my opinions don’t match up with others. This has been an ongoing issue for me and I’m just tired of being misunderstood.
I suppose we should start at the beginning to let you know why I am the way I am. Most of my life, I have felt ignored, devalued, and pushed aside. I think it falls back on my older brother being a fuck up, getting a girl pregnant when he was 14 (yes a 7th grader!!!), and therefore getting all attention from my parents…for good reason. However, this had a deep impact on me and my younger brother. Many of our needs were overlooked…not intentionally but most likely out of necessity since my older brother needed so much support.
Since my niece was born in 1997, my personality clearly changed. I became more vocal in general because I never felt heard or noticed. I allowed myself to be passionate so I would be noticed. I wanted to feel like my opinion was valuable. That I had something important to say.
I know that being vocal has its drawbacks. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that at the end of the day my opinion does not matter. If I don’t agree with someone or something and try to vocalize that then I get deemed to be a bitch with an agenda.
What most people don’t realize is I have a heart. I have feelings and really am pretty vulnerable to attack. I may act like I want to defend myself but deep down inside I’m just tired of trying to prove my worth to people. And that my friends is a lonely place to be.
So I sit here thinking to myself maybe I’m not cut out to be on a team? Maybe I should have as little human interaction as possible? As you can see, constantly assuming I’m hurting others and I’m not good enough is exhausting.
I’m not sure where these thoughts leave me. Hopefully I feel better just getting them out and allowing them to be somewhere else besides my head. It’s time for some self-evaluation and change. Which direction I’ll go is still unclear…