Deconstructing me

I’m currently at the 40 is the new 30 age and I hope that is true as I lost myself completely at the age of 30 to agoraphobia, a further trapping to my social anxiety and depression.

After talking to my support worker on Friday who believes that exposure work for my agoraphobia may not be the best way forward at present and that I need to address the issues which could of shaped how I got here 

Now those things that shaped me, broke me at 22.

I tried to deal with them at the time by seeking mental health help. I had a psychiatrist, a counselor and I attended groups for self harm and also eating disorders. It was too overwhelming at the time and I did not know how to fully understand the treatment and advise I was given at the time as I couldn’t put it into practice. All I saw at the time was a simplistic diagram of how to challenge these new destroying thoughts and techniques to not self harm using elastic bands. Brilliant but how, when I was suffering nothing would help to stop my self harm or eating disorder. It got to the point where I was self harming to the point of being hospitalised from injury’s and also sectioned as I would try to take me life. I could not control any of the PTSD flashbacks and dissociation I had. I continued to find other ways to also self harm along with my the other forms, I don’t know what anyone could of done. I wanted help, someone to come and fix me and make me normal again. People would ask what they could do and I would say “nothing”, there was nothing but I really wanted them to do something so I didn’t feel that way.  I tried many antidepressants through the years and they would have a negative effect on me. It wasn’t until I was 31 and saw a physiologist while in the middle of a maniac episode I was diagnosed with bipolar.  I started working with a support worker at 30 for agoraphobia and have been seeking help on and off since to try and understand me, Dee 

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