I’m at the between depression stage where I’m out of bed but not dressed, I instantly feel like giving up with the day and returning to bed at the slightest annoyance. I’m comparing myself and life choices to everyone around me and feeding my anger, jealousy and judgement. I’m not hungry and have no desire for food, then it flips and I’m eating for the sake of it. I feel like I’m wasting my life yet I will sit for hours pinning recipes, exercise, mindfulness techniques that I will never do in the hopes of one day, one day I will want to do these things., one day I will be one of them people. One day I will be Better
So my purpose for me journaling is where the Deconstructing Dee can express my daily gripes and analyze the hell out of my depression. Reconstructing Dee is where the positive things I want to do or achieve are put in to motion (hopefully). Where I record the smallest steps forward whilst taking four steps back. The four steps back being Bipolar, Scoliosis/Back complaints, Agoraphobia, CFS and all the wobbles these have on me and my outlook daily.
Today I want to act, rather than plan in my head the ideal tomorrow with the hopes I wake like a “normal” person
- set a hour timer to write why you are doing this
- fold and put away laundry
- get dressed
- return the odds and sods laying about to their correct places
- cut the grass
- write that list of overwhelming stuff in my head down, so I can prioritize and tackle it
- really read a coping with depression article and go from there. No scoffing at “if it was only that easy” thoughts in my head and then searching for how my depression is different to what they are talking about. It hasn’t been easy and I know it won’t disappear but knowing this and finding the strength to embrace this is and try to make it easier, is the direction I want to go in
Okay its been longer then a hour and I’m still writing away, trying to stay focused whilst my thoughts are going in different directions. I’m already feeling inadequate, like those things I can check off my list are “normal” things which can be achieved in x amount of time by most “normal” people daily. I’m already disappointed with myself, that the x amount of things on my list which are insignificant to the amount of stuff still on my to-do list.
- So tonight let’s find a article which helps me recognize the positives, however small I feel they are