I’m finally back in Japan.
I still can’t get over the jetlag, last time it wasn’t so bad but this time its awful. I don’t even care, this is a piece of cake because I finally get to be with my love. Its just the best feeling in the world to be with him again, to be in his arms, to sleep next to him. I was even planning on a romantic reunion for when arrived from the airport, but as soon as we got to his apartment I knocked the fuck out. lol. I don’t even remember falling asleep, I was just planning on “resting my eyes” , the next thing I know its 8 hours later lol.
But I can’t express how happy my heart feels to be here. Being with him, I am assured that no matter how much pain and problems we’re both going through, it will pass.
Just last night we were talking about how its been such a fucked up year for both of us. It was a really sad-sweet moment, we both comforted each other and teared up when talking about losing those we loved so much. Because its something that really takes a toll on you, and I was telling Ayato that no matter what I only want the truth. Because we both understand how much we keep inside from other people, but if we keep it completely bottled up its going to end up poisoning us. So I assured him that I’d always give him the time, and I was getting really really worried about him being alone and going through all this shit on his own. Thats when he broke down and confessed that he felt the hole in his chest open up again. He says ever since his parents and little sister died, he’s felt that hole get bigger and bigger. And for a while he was happy with his grandfather, and he felt him nursing his loneliness. But when he died, he feels like he’s caving in again. And the shit going on with his uncle getting out of prison, trying to contact him, and then problems with his brother, then I broke his heart and broke up with him, he said he was feeling suicidal again. When he said that it really fucked me up. I tried holding it back because I wanted him to keep opening up to me, but I just broke down, I had a full on emotional breakdown. Because. I just love him and respect him so much, that it tares me up inside knowing I hurt him like that. He told me that he feels like he’s just going through the motions, because he feels alone, and sometimes he feels like he’s living his life devoid of a basic purpose, since he doesn’t have anyone by his side. Not just romantically, but an actual family, he has no one he can depend on or rely on. Yes, he has great friends, but its never going to be the same as having a family, brothers, sisters, parents, etc. And the only family he was left completely fucked him over, or have completely died. So I understand why its been overwhelming for him, and his grandfather’s death affected him so. But he said he was lucky enough to fall in love with someone for the first time, and even more fortunate to have that person open their heart to him. I also got emotional when he was talking about this because we have a very odd beginning to our relationship, and I was very hesitant to open my heart to him, but we ended up falling in love. Ayato was really opening up and talking from the pain, but I assured him that I don’t regret the way we met, and I thank God I met him. I could just see the pain and desperation in his eyes, it breaks my heart because he’s such a good fucking person. Its not fair. Like, if he was an asshole or a complete dickhead, maybe I could see why our beginning was wrong. But Ayato is the most kindhearted, sweet-soul in the world, without a hesitation he would give you the shirt off his back if you need it, you’re short on cash and instantly he helps you out, you need a favor and he’s within reach and he bends over backwards to help you out. And he’ll never hold you in debt to him, which is THE REASON I consider him to be such a great soul. He just has a good heart, and I find myself having to tell him that he didn’t fuck up. Our beginning wasn’t right, but it happened, and I know the circumstances. She cheated on him, she fucking beat him, she used him for money, she would trap him by using the miscarriage to keep him on a leash. In the end, she was cheating on him all the time [with one of his own ‘bestfriends’], and we met and we connected and we hooked up. He was in a shitty abusive relationship (mentally and physically) with a bitch from hell who wanted him for his money and connections. And he still feels like he fucked up by not breaking up with her before being with me, because he feels guilty that I have this bad rep around our circle of friends at Berkeley now. Yes, I did lose a lot of friends over it, and yes my reputation took damage because she spread it out and yes I am at fault. Which is why I have almost no friends at Berkeley now. Those were my actions, and they bread those consequences, I won’t regret it because we fell in love. And it doesn’t have to be perfect. Yet he’s too kind to a fault that he even feels guilt over my school situation at Berkeley. Because I told him that all of the people that were pretending to be my “friends” dropped me instantly after his ex told everyone what happened. And I try to make new friends but no one really wants to be a friend of mine and I’m just branded as this “homewrecking whore”. But I don’t really care because no one knows the reality of the situation, but we do and thats all that matters. I told him, that I would never take it back, because we were meant to be, and yeah we fucked up and went about it the wrong way, but too fucking bad. We owned up to it, and at the end of the day we aren’t living for anyone else’s approval. I mention this because I had told him that it was one of the reasons why I was feeling so alone at Berkeley, which he already knew anyway because his friends at Berkeley had told him.
We were talking a lot, but I could see the weight of all of our problems sitting on his shoulders. He even carries my problems on his shoulders, so I tell him that everything is going to be fine. And I was feeling kind of sad at because I want him to ease up and take a breath and not feel the weight of the world. So I started to tell him how happy I am to be back with him, how fucking beautiful it is to wake up next to him. That comment made him ease up and he tells me that he was feeling the floor sink beneath his feet but then I came back to him. He says he is going to marry me. 🙂 I told him that I am going to give him lots of babies, and we are going to spend the rest of our lives spoiling all of our grandkids. He tells me he almost breaks down and cries when he thinks of his childhood. But he wants his children to grow up with all the love and happiness he never experienced. I cried and cried and cried after he said that. lol I just want to have his baby like right now lol. Its crazy how much i love this man, and we’re going through get through this awful time in our lives right now, and in whatever other times may come. I told him that for being so tortured in life, he is never anything but pure hearted.
In a change of topic, I am having the worst allergic reaction to something because I have a bad rash on my underarm. And also, I HATE SQUID! I’ve never been a fan of seafood, at all. Actually I hate seafood; shrimp, lobster, fish, etc. But I especially hate squid. Its just gross. So when you move to an island like Japan, I’m eating on vegetables, rice, soups, etc. no wonder I lost so much weight last time. Mystery solved lol.