I have a secret…

I have a secret that I hide from everyone else. My husband suffers from paranoia. He’s plagued by racing thoughts and anxiety. So what does this mean? He rarely trusts others. He often misinterprets situations and reads into people’s actions unnecessarily. He feels people follow him and focus on causing him harm. 

What kills me is that sometimes he thinks horrible things about my friends and family. He’s concoctaed stories that they had someone try to harm him or they poisoned his drink making him ill. When you try to reason with him, it gets you nowhere. It only makes things worse and causes more separation.

For years, I’ve suffered from my own depression and anxiety. Trying to balance his on top of mine is sometimes unmanageable. I literally have to protect him from his thoughts and shield him from the judgement of others. If people only knew the things I’ve heard come out of his mouth, he’d quickly be alone to dwell in that. 

Like most people with paranoia, my husband refuses to see a therapist/psychiatrist regularly. He went for a bit and took some medication because I told him he wouldn’t get married otherwise. However, he promptly stopped when he felt things were fine. He refuses to continue to grow and take care of himself and has a distrust of the medical field in general. 

At the end of the day, my husband is a great person. When the paranoia isn’t flared up, he is kind and generous. He helps strangers and is good with children. He always forgives me for my mistakes and wrong movements so I feel the responsibility to do the same. 

Right now I’m upset because he is anxious and saying someone is smacking him on the back of the head. I assume it’s a headache but he won’t take Advil. So now I wait for him to calm down and become rational again. 

The waiting seems to be forever sometimes. I am only human and can take only so much. 

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