Tues night live broadcast

I trust you.  

And it’s scary. Because I’m learning how much I can’t trust men.  And how I don’t need them in my life.  But that’s not true. I’ve always had at least one good man role model in my life and that’s always been as a friend.  Literally.  My dads never accepted me my brothers used me and is lost to drugs, all the men I’ve been with in my life and what they’ve done to me.  But the best friends I’ve ever had.  The truest best friends, have been male.  One I can still count on if I ever needed him.  Always has been a brother and true friend to me. Kenna’s god father!! They are just so far away.  And have started their own family.  And then the other was blurry.  I’ve never done anything besides kiss him but we connected on such a level instant that we knew we had love for each other although I didn’t ever see a future with him I felt what I felt and so did he. But the best part of that “relationship” was the best friends part and the times we had.  And how we made each other feel.  We were young and it wasn’t meant to be.  But that friendship will always truer than ones I’ve had for almost lifelong.   Even Orlando. I’ve always gotten along better with males.   My mother is the same way or she says.   I know she used to be.  Her best friend was a male.  Back before the church swallowed her.  And she doesn’t have a single friend outside of the church.   But she said she was the same.  Not only did girls hurt me so badly in school I just plain and simple didn’t get along with them much.  I fit in with the males more.  And it caused problems eventually because I am a woman and I am attracted to males and I realized I wanted to be seen as a woman and not just one of the guys.  Still just a friend but not a guy.  Because I wasn’t one.  And I started giving more effort into my appearance and found my own balance of being girly.  I found who I was and had to learn quickly.  And I did and I marched the the beat of my own drum ever since.  Ever since I knew I was different.  I knew I didn’t fit in with my family and then church kids and then school kids and it was all the same I was different and I learned to love it at a young age because people wanted to hurt me because of it.  I was made fun of and teased and bullied. So I learned not to care I was fueled by being myself it made me proud. That’s why high school was so hard I was dealing with my mental illness at 16 going through my relationship.  And high school for a girl that doesn’t fit in really.  I used to eat in the stairs alone or when felt lonely in the bathroom.  And then I just went my own way.  I just left.  I would leave home as often as I left school.  I was venturing out to find stuff out on my own.   I became close with jaymes family and was exposed to a culture different than my own really for the first time.  I was the white girl in my group of friends and it was so eye opening to just be put in the world and learn things just from experiences. I started working at that point and never went back home.   I had my own place. I worked two jobs.  And I knew who I was.  I was so confident and proud to know it.  I truly learned not to care what others thought.  That’s why it’s so fucked up that I just want to be loved cared for and respected.  Accepted really.  Because I might not care about what they think about me but I can’t conteol how they make me feel.  And the power over my emotions.  That’s the problem.   I care about people who don’t care about me.  I care about people that hurt me.  Am I right? I know I always say there’s gotta be something wrong with me but truthfully there is. I should’ve stopped my cousin the first night it happened.  I should’ve left the first time I got spit on.  Defiantly the first time I got hit.  I should’ve left the first time he wouldn’t stop when I said no.  I should’ve left the first time he called me the names he called me.  The first time I realized how big of an alcoholic he was.  The first time he got physical in front of our daughter.   The first time he used me for money.  The first time he cheated on me.  The first time it ever got physical.  All of those first times. I should’ve left.  I show people how I’m allowed to be treated.  I told them it was okay to treat me like that by allowing it to happen.  There is something wrong.  I need to get to the bottom of.  Because it’s not so simple.  Sure I know that the problem is I allow men to treat me badly.  To take advantage of me to hurt me.   But why?? With some I maybe thought I deserved it.  With some I thought I had  to do the right thing.  I let most of them convince me I would be nothing without them.  Convince me I was the trash they said I was.  Feeling hopeless.     Maybe it could be I just don’t love myself enough? I care to much about other people ? I’m getting dizzy trying to figure it out.   My point of this was because I think it is important to have “men” around.  But not in that way again.  Life’s to short to take another chance.   My heart couldn’t handle it.  I couldn’t just say I’m done with men.  That isn’t fair.  I can just classify them all and judge them all simple by gender.  I’m not like most women and wouldn’t like to be classified just as a woman stereotype.  Men have been in my life in good ways and in bad.  Just like women to.  The problem is with the men I give myself to as a girlfriend, wife, spouse etc… becauSe I am the way I am and I feel the way I feel about being devoting and caring and honest and loving.  It has to be balanced.  It has to be reciprocated I should only be giving that to someone who’s giving the same to me.  Not exactly the same.  But he shouldn’t take advantage of it.  And he’ll do his part.  I’ll be devoted and caring and he’ll be protective and caring and there will be nothing but deep respect for one another.  And honesty so real there won’t be a lick of doubt ever.  And the worries of jealousy and the fear of being hurt won’t be and issue because we will want true happiness for one another.  Always no matter what if could ever mean.   We would always want each other to go with our hearts. And because we will always be there for each other.  It won’t be that sad because we will always be close and we will always have had some time with each other no matter how long.  And because that time was so real it was better than anything.  That’s my dream guy I guess.   I still feel like I could never be loved like that accepted or even respected that much. .  And I need to figure out why.  There’s some constant in me that has ended up on me letting men take advantage of me and abuse me.  What is wrong with me.  ? 

One thought on “Tues night live broadcast”

  1. Hey, your dream guy could very well exist. The difficult is in finding him, or having him find you. You have a good, kind and giving soul. You’ve been willing to take a chance on others, and so far it seems it hasn’t resulted in something good. But you can’t give up. There are decent men out there.
    Maybe you let men treat you badly because you think you need approval from them. Well, you don’t. You just need to be yourself, more like how you are in your blogs on here. Take it from the standpoint that you don’t “need” a man, that you don’t need to do anything in particular, or be certain way, and maybe things will come around and you’ll find that one who sees you are all you truly are.

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