Venting Sep 24, 2018

1. All the stuff that he does for me, dancing, yoga, movies, Universal Studios, Beach, going out to eat, writing assignments, videos, exercises, photos, punishment, meeting family or friends, etc, What does it all really mean? Is it just busy work for him? Is he actually learning anything about himself? How does any of it help him? A lot of these things he can do with platonic friends. He does not necessarily need me for any of this. He just needs a couple of friends nearby and then he can still go hook up with anonymous people. He probably should go back to hooking up with transwomen since that’s what he’s accustomed to and seems to prefer. He prefers a smooth sissy person with a dick. Our relationship was some kind of social experiment. The excitement is over. Now there’s just lingering nostalgia and the inability to let go of each other.

2. Even though you were supposed to be on punishment for not masturbating for 30 days. You still offered to get me off. I was trying to avoid having sex with you or allowing you to get me off so I would not make it any more difficult for you. Was that also an excuse for you that because you got me off you deserve to get off as well? So just screw the punishment.

3. I’m afraid i don’t really sexually excite you anymore. I’m just enough. I’m enough to be around for companionship so you’re not alone. The novelty and excitement are gone and now you’re holding on to me for your own psychological reasons.

4. This situation with us the break in trust, makes me feel old, obsolete and unexciting. I feel like I no longer hold any excitement for you. The experimentation and fetishes have died down. Are you only with me out of a sense of routine or the fear of being alone? Does it give you something to do to hang out with me? You may get nervous and worked up when I have you do the assignments and you are eager to please but there is no longer a spark with us. Is there a?

[ ] What has made me suspicious of thee? Let me count the ways…
• Keeping someone’s panties for the first three months of our relationship without telling me anything that you were masturbating.
• not following the rules in the contract regarding masturbation within the first 3 months.
• Excessive masturbating without approval.
• Being on a dating website
• Chatting with others from a dating website
• Attempting to meet up with people from a dating website
• Not talking to me about your thoughts and feelings before attempting to get on a dating website
• Masturbating again breaking the rules of the punishment
• Again not talking to me before breaking my rules
• Watching porn without permission
• Masturbating without permission
• Watching animal porn and scat porn

[ ] In another document I wrote down pros and cons regarding this relationship.

[ ] I asked you the same question several times and each time I got a different answers.
• I was in pain and needed to relieve it
• I don’t want you to become too attached to me.
• I thought you were setting me up.
• I wanted to have less chances of coming when I was having sex with you

[ ] I’m wondering if after these two weeks our schedules will not coincide whatsoever. I’m worried about that because then we really will not get to see each other very much or at all. That’s just the downside. Maybe we will have some time that we can spend together. Knowing me I will be more worried than ever that you will be seeking out other people’s company. When I go to see you I will be looking around for all kinds of evidence and noticing different things that you did not tell me about because we’ve been out of touch. Things will feel so difference. I don’t mean to be a downer just being realistic.

[ ] I don’t know how else to be positive. Because it all depends on you. and I know it sucks that I’m putting even more pressure on you by saying something like that. The more pressure you feel the more anxiety feel the more you want to masturbate and the more that you want to seek out other people.

9 thoughts on “Venting Sep 24, 2018”

  1. I hope getting this stuff out helps you. Is he reading it, are you sending it to him as well?

  2. I talked to him directly about how I feel 99% of the time. There’s 1% that I hold back because I usually get too negative and say things that exacerbate the situation. So I would rather just vent on here. He uses a different journal app. I don’t read his, he does not read mine.

  3. Yes, it sounded like you communicate with him quite a bit. I take it you are Domme btw? It’s good that you have found a place to vent that final little bit. If you would like a specific ear to vent to, I offer mine. How long have you known each other?

  4. Thank you for offering. In this current relationship it’s a female-led relationship. And yes I am his Mistress and he is my slave. he said that he’s been wanting a FLR for a long time. He had claimed that his past two girlfriends where too submissive. Well being Latina and from New York City it comes natural. I also used to be a teacher so I was accustomed to planning and being the boss and telling people what to do and supervising. Before this obviously all my other relationships failed otherwise I would be in one of those instead of here. I usually tend to pick men who cheat. Men who have little integrity. It’s something that I’ve been working out with my counselor.

    I read one of your post about your girlfriend who you’re still in love with. You seem like a genuine guy. It sounds like she needs time to figure things out and you are not rushing her so that’s good.

  5. It’s ironic in a way. She does need her space, and with me she is very submissive (when in the right mind space). The irony in this case being … she is Latina as well. She is lovely, and yes, I am in love with her. (Did I actually say that explicitly in my words, or was it just that obvious?)
    I honestly suspect you wouldn’t like me all that much either if/when you find out about who I am. But it is what it is, and I am who I’ve become.
    I was wondering if your journal would be deleted, there and then they seem to allow escorts etc. to advertise on here, so I don’t think they do a lot of post pruning.
    It sounds like you would like it to work out with him. Or perhaps I misread and you’re trying to figure out a way to justify it all, and let yourself down easily. Either way, it’s a tough place to be in, and I’m sorry it has you twisted up inside.
    If you would like, you’re perfectly welcome to email me directly:

  6. yes it was that obvious. Any person who would take the time to write about someone else is definitely is fond of them. I guess I assumed that you were in love with her.

    I’m not sure about emailing each other right now. I set boundaries for my slave and I live by the rules that i set. Of course the rules for him are quite a bit different being that he has chosen to be submissive to me.

    I’m not sure what you mean about who you are and the person who you’ve become.

    I’m not an escort whatsoever. my slave does not pay me. In fact and I usually go dutch. I’m not his sugar momma and he is not a sugar daddy.
    I’m not a professional. I am a human being in a complicated relationship. I have been betrayed and I have been lied to not just by this person but previous people in other relationships. I just needed to vent. Journaling is good but sometimes I want to bounce ideas off of other people or perhaps receive feedback.

  7. Actually, I think I did say it in one of my posts. But I’m glad also that it comes across how I feel about her.
    That’s all the email address was for, just to bounce ideas. Sometimes they’re a little too close or personal to post on a open forum, sometimes not!
    I understand about the rules too, and I feel in a way regardless of who is the submissive and who is the dominant, the same decency and generic rules do tend to apply. So yes, it only makes sense you treat others as you expect to be treated, and that translates to speaking to and the level of interaction with others.
    Oops, no. I didn’t mean to imply in the least you’re an escort! All I was saying was that since this site seems to allow OTHERS posters to advertise escort services that they are unlikely to get upset about a person post to do with a submissive, even if it is a little sexual in nature. I’m sorry for that confusion.
    I hope you are able to have a good, decent talk with him. And that he respects you and the guidelines you have, and in turn he sees that you respect him for how he is.
    I will admit, I am particularly interested in some of the aspect of your relationship with him, though that might sound a little rude of me.

  8. There is a website for people who live some aspects of the lifestyle. Even if it’s just fantasy or just in the bedroom.

    Thank you for understanding about the boundaries and rules that I have set.

    Pardon me for misconstruing what you said about other people who are escorts on this app. Thank you for explaining what you meant.

    Yes I do respect slave for how he is. We have come to agreement on a different topics.
    But he has been a naughty boy and has had to be punished several times. he accepts all punishments after discussion. Of course I listen to his input and we decide together but ultimately I have the last word.

  9. I know of the website. And I will be honest, even there it is extremely difficult to find somebody to actually just talk to. Are you presently on there? Would discussion on there be better for you than here?
    I’m glad I was able to explain what I’d meant. I didn’t want in the least to sound offensive.
    I am glad to hear you have that relationship with him. I know it can benefit both of you greatly, and give you both what you need. Punishments with love and respect are quite lovely.

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