[371.1] ~*Thu – 10/11/18*~

[11:03 pm]

Alright, now I’m just depressed and want to cry. Why can’t one thing happen at once?! Why does it always have to be one thing on top of the other?! I don’t know how to deal with these things anymore as it just never stops. I just don’t want to be home anymore and I really just want to be crying right now. I wish hub wasn’t at work cause I surely could use some hugs and comfort.

First there’s the fan thing in the cold room. It’s not a big thing but I’m still bugged by it and want it fix. Of course it couldn’t stop there cause every time something small bugs me, something else shows up just to show me that it could be worse. 

I was in the downstairs bathroom, puking AGAIN. Already no fun at all. I then was washing my teeth and getting ready for bed when I looked up and saw a water mark on the ceiling. AGAIN?! We already dealt with that a lil while back so WHY?!?! I took the hair dryer to dry it off but it’s still showing a bit but that isn’t my concern really, it’s more of where is it now leaking from. I really just want to cry and need to be comforted. I don’t know why but I can’t seem to be able to handle anything that goes wrong anymore. I just texted hub that I didn’t wanted a house anymore as all seems to always go wrong lately. I deal with one thing and two more shows up. It just never stops for me and I honestly can’t handle all these small things anymore. My mental state is just too weak for all this.

I’ve looked online and I believe I may know the reason and hope it is what I think it is cause it’s an easy fix. I do like to fill my tub a lot so I think the overflow gasket may need to be changed as this tub as prob been in the house since it was build and never changed. I’m not sure if I trust hub to look at it but it’s my first go which I really really hope is the problem. I’m telling myself that I will just stop taking baths but I can’t possibly do that as it’s my relaxing thing. I need my tub. I really worry that the ceiling is now stained but I also worry that more damage was done under what we can’t see. My mind just won’t stop. I want to go look at the overflow thing but I know it’s late and I shouldn’t go play with that now. Arg! I wish hub was home, I just do. I know he doesn’t do much more than tell me we’ll get it fix, it’s no biggie but it still helps me to have him around when I feel like I am feeling right now.

I know all of this is lil things that can be fix and I shouldn’t worry about it all like I do but it’s just how I am and I can’t seem to be able to control it which I hate. I keep trying to tell myself to calm the heck down as these things are small compared to a lot worse. I also tell myself that these always happens together just to show me that things could always be worse when I worry too much about one thing. I was so worried about the fan, well, not really worried but annoyed by it that something else just pop up to make me worry about something else. Now my focus is on the tub and I want that fix way more than the darn fan. Again, I know it’s small things that can be fix but it just seems that I can’t have a break. Every single time I don’t worry about something specific, something seems to happen to make me worry. It’s as if the world wants me to always worry about something and like I’ve said, my mental state don’t let me handle much these days. I’m trying really hard to work on my worries but the world is just not letting me get better. I don’t need much to crack which is scary. I need time to heal my mental state and life isn’t letting me do it. This is another time when I want to give everything up cause I work so very hard in life but don’t seem to be going anywhere in anything. I’m just very sad right now. I just want to run downstairs and look at the ceiling in hope that the mark isn’t there anymore to make me feel better but I know, I just know it will still be there cause it’s just how things keep happening for me. I just can’t be positive and happy, just can’t. Seem it’s not an option for me anymore as every single time I start being happy again and have nothing to worry about, something shows up to bring me back to the state I don’t want to be in anymore.

I always said I’d be dying at the age I am now at. Not sure if this is really my last year but surely has been a very bad one. So many bad things have happened this year and just keep happening. I guess it’s not really bad things as a “normal” person would just deal with it compared to me who panics all the time. It’s just been a very, let say eventful, year and I’m ready for it to stop and be over with. I mean, all the car problems I’ve had, being sick since past Dec, having to change job, all these lil things happening (wasp nest in basement, fan in cold room, leaky tub, squirrel in house, etc). I just want a break from my life.

Now it’s past my bedtime by half an hour and I haven’t read or set up my farm for the night. I did read when I was in the tub but I still need to read when it’s bedtime. I was hoping for a good night sleep tonight as I slept terribly last night due to not taking my pill. I already don’t want to have to go work tomorrow morning and just hide in bed all day and not have to deal with anything as I still need to figure what the heck we’re doing about the nest and now we need to fix that fan and have a look at the tub and figure where it’s leaking from. I have a list of things to do and I swear, every time I get one thing done, two more gets added. I don’t have time for all this as I work three jobs and work every single days. I just want to give up on all and be depressed for a while. Stay at home, in bed and not go out anymore. Sounds like a very good plan to me right now cause I try so so hard in life and I’m just going backward. I need a break from all this unluckiness.

Alright I need to stop writing and try to get some sleep so I can maybe deal with these issues tomorrow. I’ll be taking my pill, reading a chapter or two and hopefully have a really good sleep.


2 thoughts on “[371.1] ~*Thu – 10/11/18*~”

  1. Dear Snow Fairy…..you are surely working too hard. Three jobs?? Can you pick your favorite (least stressful) and drop the other two? I don’t know where hub is but until he gets back maybe just ignore the leaks and nests and things. Or hire someone. You sound like you need some real good rest. Inside and out. Jesus said, “Come unto Me, all ye who labor and are HEAVY LADEN (you) and I will give you rest.” I think that’s Matthew ll:29. Anyhow it’s in there. (smile) Honey please take care of yourself good. Don’t burn out . Make time and space for rest of body and rest of soul.

  2. @savedbygrace; Thank you for your comment! I’m currently training for a new job and I’m really unsure that I will be able to handle it as when I tried before, 10 yrs ago, I couldn’t do it. This said, I am keeping a safety net as far as job wise just in case it doesn’t work out. This way, I have a place to go back and I’m not stuck without work. I plan on dropping one job in Jan, once I’m secured. I don’t think I will EVER work just one job. Haha! I’m a workaholic and pretty much always worked two jobs. I agree that three is a bit much but it’s what I need to do right now. As for hub, he had just left for work. I try very hard to ignore things cause I know it’s small things that can be fix but it’s always been something I can’t control. My mind just keeps thinking about these things and then I start panicking. I eventually calm down, thoughts are always in my mind but at least I don’t worry so much about it. When something just happens, I need to make a big deal out of it. It’s just how I am. Like I’ve said, panic mode all the way and then I calm down. I always let the best of my OCD get to me.

    Thanks again for you lovely comment and care, I will keep it in mind.

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