No Title today

Ok this will be all over the place and probably make no sense but O” well

Finally sunshine maybe it will stay for a while this time. I had like three test and pretty sure not my finest moment didn’t study for any of them. I beat money at least one teacher lets me take it again if I didn’t pass it goes back to the poor me thing. I guess good are bad I may as well use it to my advantage after all I am a teenager.

Dad even came in and told me this morning he was trying to change shifts so he was home earlier because he knew it was hard for me. I’m not sure how it is hard for me I just don’t get how I keep missing all the things that are making my life so hard now if I didn’t have so many adults tell me how I feel I would be lost. I mean I miss the heck out of mom and still cry sometimes or even walk in the door after school an yell mom I’m home and do it without thinking. I’m pretty sure that’s kinda normal  it has just been like 6 weeks and I walked in the door and said that since I was a little kid.

School was pretty normal  late for class was told it was ok, then told talking  to much kjhin  class , at lunch  horsing around needed to stop because someone was going to get hurt then mad . Then we got in trouble for wrestling in the hall  we ruff house a lot. Then in trouble for walking down the hall holding my girlfriends hands cause I guess she may get pregnant from doing that or something but she got the lecture not me. we Forgot to put our phones on silent got a lecture on not following the rules while the teacher was giving  the lecture his phone  rang because he forgot to put it on silent . He just looked at us and said well I lost this one and walked off It was funny. My friend got a lecture on wearing his cap in the building. but I was  missing one shoe teacher didn’t say a word to me.Last block I was eating a bag of chips in class all the teacher said did you miss lunch  I may have learned something along the way.

Time to go see counselor she is leaving town so have to go twice this week since she will  be gone next week so stupid I’m still going it’s like  the same stuff over and over I really think mom would find all this funny I think dad is the one that is not sure what is next and not sure what to do. Mary ask me today if I knew that dad in time would probably date again. I think that was one of the dumbest things I have been ask so far. I’m not three. I kinda think no matter what I lost dad lost more he married mom to spend their whole lives together I will grow up and start my own life but somehow I think that going to  get twisted to I don’t care enough or I’m hiding how I really feel inside.

Then Mary wanted to talk about why I’m doing weird stuff. I told her the same reason I did before mom died because I’m me, so we talked about how I see me well as me I guess some of these questions are so stupid.

Ok I guess my point is, it is so easy to learn to feel sorry for yourself because everyone validates your feelings, well first sometimes it’s not even your feeling it is there feeling getting validated and besides sometimes real life sucks so bad and we make it harder trying to make the  world fit what we think it should be. well it don’t work that way and never will and everyone telling you it does is lying to you. In my case my mom died nobody’s fault life will never be the same. All the people in the world can’t make it better making excuses for me don’t make it better. I guess my point is stop telling me how to feel stop telling me everything is fine it will be fine in time but in my time not yours. I’m grateful for the support and kind words but wish people would understand how I feel and not tell me how I feel I act out because I’m a teenager and it is not really acting out it’s I do weird things because I think it is funny not other reason.

sorry for the rant

 

 

2 thoughts on “No Title today”

  1. Hi Blake. I enjoyed your “rant” because it is honest and you sound strong, which makes me proud of you. God bless you. I hope and pray also that your future holds many blessings and good surprises and a wonderful girl to love and be loved by. In short, real happiness and continued strength.

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