A traitor to myself

I think I’m starting to understand my peers who in my mind were too young to have kids. I’m a person who believes in marriage before children. I believe in getting out of school with a useable career path before starting a family. I’ve been told it’s old school thinking for my age. But I cant help it. So seeing my peers on FB, not yet married, not yet in a real job, having kids I was shocked. Lately, it’s been making sense to me. Not in the “I’m going to abandon all my own beliefs and have a kid now” kind of way, but rather I understand the desire. Without a clear direction as to what to occupy my hours in between my working ones I find myself thinking about children. How it would be nice to have to care for someone. To be able to feel like I’m doing something productive in a sense. But that’s not how I want to be a mother. And I’m worried that this struggle I’m having with bring more of these undesirable thoughts to my mind. 

Tonight, I watched Letters to Juliet while my fiance was asleep already. I kept thinking how as a teen I believed in the romance. The idea of true love and that one day someone will be so open and vulnerable with me just to express their affections. But that’s not my story. I feel like a traitor to myself. Like as I’ve gotten older I’ve abandoned all my beliefs and dreams because they were “unrealistic” in real life. If these feelings that I want someone to love me that dearly that they would climb a tree to be with me are so “unrealistic” then I’m stuck believing that we get married and settle down because that’s what nature intended. That the idea of love is just an imaginary illusion literature has put in place to keep us settling down and reproducing. Or is it possible I’m just blind to the fact I chose the wrong prince? 

One thought on “A traitor to myself”

  1. I think one of the key words in what you write is “settle”. Not so much settle down as much as just settle. Sometimes relationships do start as love (or something that evolves into love). But all too often that fire dies down a bit and we end up settling.
    I will not say you may have picked the wrong prince, because only you can know that. Did you settle for him? Was he the best thing you could think of at the time, or did you truly feel he was totally the one for you?
    Hey, I’m not meaning to cast any doubt. Love does evolve and chance. What can start as passion can turn into a mutual reliance and trust. It doesn’t mean love is gone. At the end of the day, who do you want to come home to? Maybe that’s what matters the most.
    As for children, there isn’t a right or wrong answer as to when. Or perhaps the answer is … when YOU want them and are prepared and ready to have them, love them and watch them grow. That aside, there is something to be said for having kids younger in life when you have more energy, more resilience yourself. Maybe it’s a paradigm shift we need. Have kids early, then settle down, fall in love, and enjoy all he has to offer after you already have the family under you to lift you up and highlight all the good you’ve done in the world.

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