I think I’m starting to understand my peers who in my mind were too young to have kids. I’m a person who believes in marriage before children. I believe in getting out of school with a useable career path before starting a family. I’ve been told it’s old school thinking for my age. But I cant help it. So seeing my peers on FB, not yet married, not yet in a real job, having kids I was shocked. Lately, it’s been making sense to me. Not in the “I’m going to abandon all my own beliefs and have a kid now” kind of way, but rather I understand the desire. Without a clear direction as to what to occupy my hours in between my working ones I find myself thinking about children. How it would be nice to have to care for someone. To be able to feel like I’m doing something productive in a sense. But that’s not how I want to be a mother. And I’m worried that this struggle I’m having with bring more of these undesirable thoughts to my mind.
Tonight, I watched Letters to Juliet while my fiance was asleep already. I kept thinking how as a teen I believed in the romance. The idea of true love and that one day someone will be so open and vulnerable with me just to express their affections. But that’s not my story. I feel like a traitor to myself. Like as I’ve gotten older I’ve abandoned all my beliefs and dreams because they were “unrealistic” in real life. If these feelings that I want someone to love me that dearly that they would climb a tree to be with me are so “unrealistic” then I’m stuck believing that we get married and settle down because that’s what nature intended. That the idea of love is just an imaginary illusion literature has put in place to keep us settling down and reproducing. Or is it possible I’m just blind to the fact I chose the wrong prince?