Today might be one of the more difficult days. We’ll see, but I’m missing her. Not because I want her to take care of me, but because I want to take care of her, hear about her day, her work. I want to feel her up on my lap, just resting warmly against me, nowhere else to be, nothing else to do.
It hit me almost with a jolt this morning as I was responding to another post:
She is the one I want to come home to … Yes, it’s her. It’s not to talk to, to hold, to take to bed. It’s nothing specific expect I want to be the one there for her, and I want her to know that I am. I want to see her smile, I want to know she is happy in life. I want to come home to her.
And that is part of why it will be a tough day. I can’t, and I never will be able to. That’s just how it is. Hell, all those months ago I never wanted to fall in love, that wasn’t supposed to be how it happened. But once it started there was no going back. My emotions took me for a ride. The ride of a lifetime. I figured at first it would only feel like that for two or three months, six months tops and then it would fade and life could return to normal. But it didn’t. I thought maybe a year, but no. Despite all that has happened my feelings are stronger than ever. They have changed slightly though, they have become less selfish. I love her for her, not for me. It’s hard to explain at times. It’s not for self, it’s for her happiness. Whish alas … she isn’t happy right now, and that has nothing to do with me. Or, it has something to do with me for an unfortunate reason, she also wants to know what it would be like to be with me, but can’t ever know it. I do believe that is inside her there somewhere.
So yes … today will be a tough day. I can’t come home to her, and I won’t hear from her. And I miss all of her.
She is my angel.