Am I so bad?

Yesterday was not a great day.  At work we found out some benefits are being rolled back.  Not at all nice, and I think it borders on bargaining in bad faith when I was hired.  It’s not critical, but they took back some medical, some vacation, some insurance, some profit share, and some pension.

That, and the truck battery died when my wife tried to get into work.  Completely flat over night and we don’t know why at this point.  So, I worked the morning.  Went home to see what was up.  Put the truck battery on charge.  Drove her to work (in the car).  Worked the afternoon.  Dropped off the kids at martial arts.  Prepped dinner.  Picked up my wife from work.  Picked up the kids from Martial arts and dropped my wife off there for her time.  Fed the kids.  Transferred all the hockey stuff from the truck to the car.  Dropped off my son at hockey.  Picked up my wife from martial arts.  Dropped her at hockey (she’s the trainer).  Walked home from the rink so she had the car.  On the way to dropping her at hockey, she asks why I hadn’t had time to look at the truck yet.  What the fuck ??

Anyway, then researched online for what might be up with the truck.  Went out to try to start it at about 9pm at night.  It starts for 2 seconds and then dies, and says “Unknown Driver” on the display.  Locks, lights, etc. all don’t work.  The security module won’t recognize the key.

So I will go home at lunch today, disconnect the battery start trying to fix the no start issue. If that works, then fix the battery draining issue. All while she still has the car and without spending any money on the truck. I’ll juggle around my work schedule and take a longer lunch, so I’ll get home later. But I need good daylight since I don’t have a garage.

Now, my darling wife is constantly whining and complaining how she can’t count on me, I’m not there, she’s carrying all the load.  That is total bullshit and I’m tired of it.  This is not an atypical thing.  I did shocks on the truck a few weeks ago (myself).  And I actually feel fucking guilty that I had to buy new shocks because we don’t have the cash.  So I shop around for a good part at a decent price (was less that the dealer cost) and do the work myself.  The shocks aren’t for me, they’re not a toy, they not something I’ll enjoy in any way. Why do I feel guilty?

When I’m in there fixing the shocks, I see one of the bushings is completely shot (and explains some of the noise from the rear end).  So I order parts for that and ear mark the time to do the suspension work.  We notice the last few weeks that on cold mornings, the high beams come on when you turn right. Apparently that’s a known issue in that vehicle.  (That may be related to the flat battery).  So I need to either repair the switch.  After removing it of course which takes about an hour.  Or replace it, which looks like it will run about $200.  So I feel even guiltier and am trying to find out a way around that.

So, I have a truck that won’t start, needs a repaired turn/high beam switch and I’m not even sure that’s the flat battery issue, so I need to diagnose all the circuits from the fuse box to see that there isn’t another reason for the flat battery because we can not live with a vehicle that won’t start every time it’s needed.  The suspension work is pending, the parts for that are in.  I have to replace the washer pump since in the winter it doesn’t work when it’s cold.  Not being able to clean the window in winter is bad.  I have the parts.  The ABS module needs to come off and be repaired.  I know how to, I just need more time to get it off.  I did the a/c system this summer, and it took a long time (condenser, dryer, new seals, clean the evaporator, new orifice tube, recharge). The dashboard needed all the gauge replaced, and another repair to make the display visible. Upgrade the outlets to USB chargers. There is a headlight that won’t stay in adjustment, it needs a new ball screw adjuster which I don’t even know where I can buy without replacing the whole lamp.  Snow tires need to go on now.  Big heavy job.  I just did the shocks, front and back.

I do shopping and errands on Saturday morning. Gas, bank, market, water, local grocery store. Then it there’s enough extra trash accumulated, a trip to the dump.

Where anywhere in all of that am I being a crappy husband, spouse, partner etc.  Where in there am I shirking anything and letting my wife do it all.  She just doesn’t see all of that and I don’t know why because SHE drives the truck all week.  I catch shit because I don’t tend to clean the bathrooms and do enough laundry.  She’s backed off on cooking, since I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday nights, my son does Tuesday, and daughter Thursday, and weekend are generally free for alls.

And yeah, that’s just the truck stuff up above.  Last weekend I spent hours putting the pool away.  Folding it is more like a four person job, two would be nice, she was inside napping on the couch because she’s tired from coaching hockey.  I understand that.

I need to do the backyard cleanup.  Fix up and add some more structure and support for the hockey boards.  Start getting that set up.  Do snow tires and any other maintenance on the car.  Figure out where in hell I am going to keep the snow blower since I can’t keep it in next door’s garage again this winter, so I may have to make a dog house for it. Oh, and it needs an oil change.  There’s a wall in the house that should get refinished before Christmas.  And the mantle, I’d like to get it done, but I need a new blade for my mitre saw so I don’t burn the wood when I cut it, and that’s another $80.  That’s not really money for me (none of it is) but I’ve been holding on doing that job because of the expense.

So, am I really that horrible a person?  Do you see anywhere in all of that time for me, where I take off and do my own shit and ignore the family?  I’m just tired of her attitude, and I’d welcome going to counselling with all of that so maybe somebody else could make her see that I’m not the selfish jerk she paints me as in front of the kids ….pretty much every day.

Thank you for letting me vent.

One final note to close out that day. It ended with me lightly stroking her back because her neck was tense and sore, it helps her relax. I did that until I heard her slip into sleep.

I don’t think I’m so bad …

5 thoughts on “Am I so bad?”

  1. I could see if she was busy doing things at the same time you are, that maybe she wouldn’t SEE what you are doing. But if she is napping while you’re busting your hump then she has some nerve. If she feels what you are doing at any given time isn’t the priority job then she should speak up instead of sleeping on the job.

  2. Thank you, I truly appreciate your words. I work 7am to 4:30-5:00 pm each day, that’s a given. That day I was running around, 1/2 of the trips were giving her rides so between work and doing that, there was little free time (in fact, there wasn’t any). That’s why it caught me off guard to be asked.
    Oh, I do a lot of the wrong things at the wrong time. Like, I’ll work on a project that perhaps isn’t a priority because I just want to get it done. I know that’s not always the best. On the flip side I had an uncle that told me you just need to keep working on things, a bit at a time, and at some point the job will get done, so I translate that partly as if I’m always working on something, then eventually all the things will get done. Or I’ll be lying on my death bed worrying about all the repairs and reno’s I didn’t have time for!
    Part of it is me, I tend to be a loner when I work. Sometimes it’s just easier and faster to do things myself, on my own, and I get too firmly entrenched in that role at times.
    But I’m trying to improve on that.
    Again, thank you.

  3. So many are unappreciative, and don’t realize how fortunate they are…perhaps she’s just frustrated in general…and aiming it towards you , instead of the real issue….you sound like an awesome husband and father.

  4. Goodness! I got tired just reading all this…certainly not a lazy man! I know my husband sees me as lazy at times. Since his weight loss surgery three years ago he has lost 80 pounds and has more energy than he has had in years. So, all day Saturday and Sunday he is outside cleaning, mowing, washing his truck, cooking out…something. I am also working but inside and not necessarily at the things he thinks I should be doing. I may be sitting down working on a quilt…a quilt that I’m getting paid to repair or put a back on. To me, that’s important. I eventually get it all done, on my time. It’s frustrating for me to feel like I have to answer for my time on weekends.

  5. Some time periods just go like this one did. I was frustrated when I wrote this because I felt like I was falling behind on everything, the weather was closing in, and what I was doing didn’t seem to be appreciated. Also, I suffer in the winter a bit from SAD, so knowing that I realize I need to push things to get done what I can before Christmas, because after that I just slow right down, and the weather just makes things so much more difficult.

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