It’s been a hot few months since I was here. My last entry was about a crush I had on a boy from high school: Hallway Boy. Well, I’m in another state for college now, so that’s a dead train of thought that seems absurdly silly to read about now.
But I’ve also developed a new crush.
And I’ve made new friends.
I’ve gotten offered a part-time job that I’ll be starting tomorrow.
I’ve decided to relearn piano.
Last Friday, I acquired three new plant children: Shiloh, Muffet, and Callan.
I’ve been soaking in sunlight and laughter.
I’ve enrolled in next semester’s classes, and gotten an opportunity to do research.
My skin has been glowing.
And I’ve started becoming more of the girl I think I’ve always been meant to be: resilient, exuberant, genuine, generous.
I still don’t know how I should go about loving myself in spite of my glaring flaws. I don’t know how to accept that I’ll never be breathtakingly beautiful the way I want to be. I don’t know how to stop having bad days where I hate my entire existence and all the ways I have to take up space. I don’t know how to stop thinking about a boy even though nothing will happen between us, because there is no “us”– and I still don’t know how to feel good enough as a human being without relating that to love from other people.
But I’m improving. I’ve been given some of the luckiest opportunities to learn and live life. And all of my old bad days have been made worth it– if they hadn’t been worth it, I wouldn’t be here right now. If there hadn’t been anything worth living for I would be dead. So here I am, finding new things to keep living for. Still having bad days, but finding new ways to recover from them.
Here I am, ready to go back out into the sun and take off my layers: shed my layers and peel until soft and shiny and beautiful new (or pre-existing, but always hidden) pieces of me can be seen.
I hope everyone who has already left the site has been doing well. And I hope everyone who’s stayed has been improving, too.