I have  12 days to get a 




and job

or I loose my kids


i cant see them until I have those things??? How is that right how is that fair? 

I don’t even know exactly what’s going on.  

All I know is I have 12 fuckin days.. to obtain all of those requirements and get all of my evidence together.  12 fuckin days.  

And my communication with him is still at his congression?  

He attacked me.  I may have stayed stoned faced and not let a single tear fall from my eyes in front of him. But he fuckkn broke me down. He’s using my kids to hurt me.  HE IS THE MANIPULATIVE ONE!!  Telling me he cares about me and loves me and then gets inches away from my face and verbally abuses me without a word coming from me? Saying the most awful cruel hurtful things he could think of.  I’m my face.  And then he throws his cigarette at me and burns me?  All while saying I’m not taking your kids I’m not doing anything to you…. look what he’s done to me.  He is behind all of it.  I know he knows it that’s why he put up such a strong defense.   Why isn’t it clear?  It’s fucked already.  He’s got them all.  All caught up in his sad victim story because he’s the one with the kids.  Can’t anyone see that?? Mari Jetta ?? They talked so much shit about him.  They fuckin know and now they’re helping him?? Baring testimonials for him against me??? And usuing what Xavi told him? And usuing what Xavi told other people? How can so many other people have a say when it was between me and Spencer the entire time.  It was only us that went through it it is only us that knows the truth because we lived it.  Why have I already lost??? I’ve been hanging on by a thread and Spencer has been beating me and beating me down.   Absolutely crushing me with my children and his power he has.   I can’t breathe I can’t stop shaking my heart is racing constantly and I keep feeling like my entire body is being broken down.  Bone by bone. I fuckin feel it.  Inside of me.  I didn’t shed one fuckin tear. I didn’t let his lawyer intimidate me like he was trying so hard to do.  I stood up for myself and did the best I could do.  I fuckin tried.  So hard.   I gave it my all.  For what?  My kids.  My boys.   Why can’t I stop hearing those words Spencer was yelling in my face.  Why am I letting him hurt me still.  Why am I letting him win.   Why can’t I stop thinking that the only way to get him to wake up is sacrificing myself.   For everyone.  I just want them to listen.  And understand.  That’s all I ever wanted.  Why was that too much to ask?  Everyone. 

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