I want to talk to you more than anything, and I can’t. So I’ll write them down, hoping one day you’ll give us another chance. When I’m more stable, when you’re more stable, when we finally both tear down the rest of our walls and let ourselves be vulnerable.
Today’s my day off, and if you were here, I’d want to go on a walk with you around the city. Take you to a new coffee shop I never got the chance to share with you. I’d want to hold your hand, kiss your lips, and laugh with you, not caring if we made other people uncomfortable with our public displays.
Instead, I’m sitting on my new mattress, big enough for two, and I’m crying as I type out these words. I’m in a prison I created, because I couldn’t love myself enough to believe you might love me. And now I’ll never really know, and that’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life.
People say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Maybe that’s what you’re doing right now. But that’s not something I can. And that’s how I know everything I’m feeling for you is true. The thought of someone else touching me makes my skin crawl and makes my heart ache. I took this approach when J. left for the Marines and never looked back. Within days, I was kissing someone new.
I will hold on to the press of your lips on mine for as long as I can. I know you’re kissing someone else, holding someone else, making love to someone else. All of the things you should be doing with me instead.
You came back to me so many times. You never gave up. I still have a glimmer of hope that you’ll do it one last time, and this time I won’t screw it up.
This is what I’d tell you: “I’m going to fall in love with you again, Will. It’s inevitable. Once I start, I won’t be able to stop. I’m going to tell you every single hope, fear, dream, and idea that comes into my head the second it’s there. I just need you to be patient with me if I crawl back into myself. Approach me with kindness, make me feel safe, and I’ll tell you anything you want to know and trust you’ll love me all the same. I’m going to spend every moment I have making you feel loved and important to me, because the thought of ever hurting you makes me hurt, too. This time will be the last time. I will never give you a reason to doubt me again. It’s you and me, all the way.”
Something popped into my mind just now I’ve never considered before. I always envisioned the proposal I wish I’d had, but what if it should be the other way around? I’d recreate the Santa photo for you, and this time I’d insist that you be in the picture with me. And then Santa would turn to me and ask, “What would you like for Christmas?” And I’d kneel in front of you, and I would say, “My Christmas wish is to spend the rest of my life with this man right here, if he’ll have me. Can we do this thing?” And as I’m saying it, it’ll start to snow around us.
All of this is crazy, I know. Just a pipe dream. If the universe gave me the power to make it real, nothing could stop me. I don’t have to meet who else is out there to know that they will pale in comparison to you. I’m such a fool for not trusting. I was given a beautiful gift wrapped in a shiny red bow, and I thought it couldn’t be real.
I never should have doubted you. Not at 15, 19, 21, 25, or 36. Never again will I.
I’ll leave the light on for you to guide you back. Please don’t wait too long. I don’t believe it’s impossible anymore.