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Halloween.  It’s my fucking favorite.   My dream guy would spontaneously swoop me up and at least take me on a night drive.   Look at that fuckin moon! I’ve been doing so good.   I need to recharge.  I deserve it.   Don’t i fuckin deserve it? I’m worth it.  I would do it for myself if I could.    

Everyones got their decorations out and their costumes on and having their party.  I’ve never been into Halloween parties really but just the holiday itself and it’s just been ablout the kids for so long.  It was so much fun with them.  And now I’m surrounded and reminded just how little I currently have and Spencer had to suddenly post pics of my kids.   My ducking kids.   He’s keeping from me.   He’ll post online but won’t send any to me?? .  And it’s just fuckin depressing.  Isn’t that understandable??? I’ve been mocked and made fun of because “I get upset if he wants to go somewhere without me”.  But it just so happens that that somewhere is out in my santuary and I need it to.  And I’ve tried to just go along and then do my own thing.  But he also never wants to go do anything like that with me.  And not to mention that I’m just dying to get out.  I have no friends no family to talk to.  No co workers.  I don’t want tv or movies.   It’s oathetic I know.  And I’ve always felt left out.  But I shouldn’t be made fun of for feeling left out.  Or be mocked because my feelings are hurt you don’t want me to go.   That’s really hurtful.  

Fuck I want to get out so bad.   Away from the case away from Spencer’s impossible conversations

take a fuckin breather seriously.  Just even long enough to gasp in one full breathe of fresh air.  Or look st the fuckin mountains and be in awe.  Mindful completly.  Dammit why aren’t you nice to me.  

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