I hope you’ll speak to me again someday, so I can let you read this. Maybe all of these letters. But what I am about to say right now feels the most important of them all.
I’m not at all pleased with myself for unblocking Captain Shitburger, but I had some things I needed to say to him, to let him know how he made me feel during the on and off again relationship I had with him over the course of a year and some months. He said a lot of things, mostly things I didn’t like or agree with, but I needed his perspective on what it all was.
I told him about you, and despite the fact that you called yourself Captain Shitburger 2, you’re not. The common denominator between these two relationships is, in fact, me. I have been in a prison of a relationship for so many years of my marriage. I started off as friends with him, and it developed into more. I can’t say the same with you, exactly, because where we left off was definitely more than friends.
He likened both of these situations as dead ends. I assure you, you and I were/are not a dead end. But getting involved with someone like him emotionally did some damage to me, and as a result of it and not trusting you understood me and what I was going through far better than he ever did/would, I held back.
I held back when I shouldn’t have. I wanted you. I wanted a relationship. I wanted forever. And I wanted it so bad I was afraid to want it. I think he’s wrong in thinking that if I’d been able to say all of these things you still would have gone to Texas. Will, I’d follow you to the ends of the earth if you asked it of me.
Maybe you felt it needed to be my choice to walk out the door and didn’t want to push me into it, but there is a small part of me that wishes you had asked me to pack a bag and leave. (GOD. Why didn’t I leave? Why was I so afraid when you would have been driving the getaway car? When you would’ve been by my side if I’d asked you to come with me to tell my parents I wanted to leave.) There is a small part of me that wishes when you were apartment searching that I did actually let it out and say, “We both need a place to live. Let’s be roommates.” I thought about it. Wearing your T-shirts. Cooking eggs in the morning.
So I created this whole mess by not taking a risk and trusting in what I already knew if I’d just leaped in headfirst.
If I get the chance to, I will tell you every crazy thought that pops into my head, and I won’t be shy about it. And I will make sure every day you know how much you mean to me.
Come back to me.