Lost & confused.

He thinks I’m beautiful even with no makeup on and he thinks I’m sexy and super attractive. He can’t keep his hand off of me.   He thinks I’m smart and creative he loves when I’m goofy he knows how strong I am he really likes spending time with me  he’s madly in love with me    

And the other 

 

thinks I have a cute face   Knows how hard of a worker I am  might enjoy hanging out   But wants nothing to do with me like that   Isn’t attracted to me in any way   Doesn’t really like anything about me   

I know he wants me to be in love with him and not you   I know he’s saying all of this stuff to try and turn me away from you   But isn’t that what you want?  You want me to bury those feelings and never love you again?? 

I’m so worried I’m being completely toyed with by the both of you  I know I did a lot but I just feel like neither of you are being 100% real with me  I’ve sat there and listened to you tell me the 100 reasons why we shouldn’t couldn’t and wouldn’t be together  but why does that matter if you simply just don’t feel that way    You don’t like me   Not like that  so why do you have to go into detail about your doubts on how it would work   I know you’ll never love me   You’ll never look at me any different and you’ll never want anything more than friends  I wish you could be more mindful of moments instead of staying back in the past or worrying about the future  I feel like even if you did have feelings for me you would take it to your grave before ever admitting them to me   I guess it doesn’t matter   I’m just scared that maybe if you are holding anything back you might be hurt when and if I figure out how to stop loving you   That’s why I keep asking you if your sure   And you always say you are   You compare me to all your ex’s and past relationships and it makes you worried the same things will happen just like how you are afraid I’ll break your heart like Spencer   But your not Spencer and I’m not any of your ex’s either  and that makes it completely different  comparisons is the killer of joy and you’ve done it to me from the beginning  I’m so confused   And tired  

 

physically tired I’m just waiting to collapse  

mentally tired all this court prep and custody battles   

Emotionally tired   My heart still breaks for my kids  I feel bad for Spencer and realize I do love him still and even miss him a little  and then he goes and flips everything around   And proves that he was just messing with me and still wants to ruin me   

I know I can’t stop I gotta keep going and getting shit done but I am so so so tired  I can’t do it   Those words keep coming up  in my mind   I just need to rest for one and then recharge   Really before I do collapse   I feel so crappy  like I got hit by a bus and stabbed in my heart    I just don’t know how long I can keep going   

 

 

 

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